


i remember.

by infinityimperfect_me



Series: Memories Have Teeth [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-10 17:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 30,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6966661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinityimperfect_me/pseuds/infinityimperfect_me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Can you endure your uncertainty until it shows you another way?"<br/>- Mark Nepo</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Over Our Heads

It was a simple mission get, in get out, and get back, right?  
Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. Within seconds of retrieving the map to Luke Skywalker BB-8 alerted us that, First Order ships were 4-clicks away, and well one thing led to another and before long the three of you were racing back to the ship.

“They’re right on our tails we have to go now!” You shout looking over your shoulder. The once quiet village was now in chaos as villagers fought stormtroopers with previously concealed high-grade weapons.

“I know I know!” Poe said fiddling with the controls, just as at the left engine was struck making the craft unflyable.  
“Oh give me a break!” You yell, unbuckling your seatbelt and jumping out of the damaged ship, BB-8 in tow. “The engine’s destroyed so one things for sure, we’re not getting out of here using that ship.” The three of you hid behind a rock structure surveying the chaos erupting.

“So what are our options?” A redundant question coming from an expert strategist. You knew your chances were grim and the odds were stacked against you, there wasn’t a feasible way for the three of you to escape alive. But you wanted so badly for Poe to reassure you like he always did, to have a secret save all end all plan B.

You look over at Poe and he's smiling at you weakly. "Poe don't give me that look, that's the look you give me when you want to avoid conflict." He breaks eye contact and addresses BB-8, “take this it’s safer with you than it is with me, get as far away from here as you can. We’ll— I’ll come back for you—the both of you.”

“Wait you want us to leave you behind?! No, no, and no. Not happening. Sorry. I won’t, I refuse. We just got engaged I’m not leaving you.” BB-8 beeps frantically, agreeing with you.

“Well you don’t have a choice. I still out rank you (Y/N) and I’m giving you an order.” Before you could retaliate laser blasts zipped past your hiding spot just barely missing you.

“But Poe…,” you whispered.   
“Go (Y/N) take BB-8.”  
You hesitate not wanting to leave him behind, "I love you”  
“I know.” He smirks at you, but it wasn't with his usual bravado. His eyes looked glassy and you knew he was holding back tears, trying to be strong for you.   
You turn to leave, but he grabs your wrist.  
“If it took fighting a war for us to meet, it was definitely worth it."  
By the look on his face, you know what he really meant and you were not having it. "You have to make it back by tomorrow morning remember? We are supposed to pick up where we left off." You swallow roughly unable to shake the feeling that this was indeed goodbye.  
"Hello in advance Princess.”  
“Hello in advance Flyboy.” And with that he releases your arm with tears in his eyes. You turn away not wanting him to see you crying.

"Poe's a great fighter, this isn't goodbye. He'll get through this we'll see each other again," you say to BB-8, but your words held no water.

You must've been 10 meters away before a paralyzing wave of energy interrupted your thoughts, it made your stomach lurch and chest tighten. "Is this the Force?" You thought to yourself, "is it trying to tell me something?" You weren't sure why, but you felt compelled to turn back. _Poe must be in trouble, that had to be it_. BB-8 beeped at you frantically, bumping into your legs urging you to keep moving.

“Go on BB-8 I’ll catch up with you, I promise.”  
And with that you turned on your heel not giving it a chance to protest.


	2. You're gonna get yourself killed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: If I could have a song play as went into battle it would definitely be one of these.  
> “Seven Nation Army” by: The White Stripes  
> “Paper Planes” by: M.I.A. (I don’t know why, but this song makes me wanna fight someone.)  
> “Don’t Stop Me Now” by: Queen

You made it back and quickly ducked behind a rock structure just in time to see a hooded dark figure descend from a platform meter. It was terrifying, the masked predator strode with purpose, as it soulless black eye sockets bore into its prey. With one look you could tell this person was bad news and you were in way over your head. You had to find Poe before it was too late, but with no sign of him all you could do was watch the exchange between Tekka and the masked figure:

“Look how old you've become,” the figure observed, studying the old man.

“Something far worse has happened to you,” Tekka quipped back.

_Did the old man have a death wish or something??? What was he doing?_

“You know what I've come for,” the masked man stated.

“I know where you come from. Before you called yourself ‘Kylo Ren.’"

_Kylo Ren…? As in the second in command of the First Order Kylo Ren? Shit this mission was so much more dangerous than we anticipated._ You began to panic, _but then again…if I could just take him out now, it would be so quick so easy, there’s no way he’d see it coming…._

The muscles in your arms tense and your hand drifts to one of the blaster holsters, it didn’t take a genius to sense the situation was going south quick, _h_ _e’s out of range. I could try to get closer, but I’ll run the risk of being spotted._

“The map to Skywalker. We know you've found it. And now you're going to give it to the First Order,” demanded the masked man.

“The First Order rose from the Dark Side. You did not.”

_Stalling, he had to be stalling… but that wasn’t going to work anymore he’s out of time._

“I'll show you the Dark Side,” promised Kylo Ren.

“You may try. But you cannot deny the truth that is your family.”

“You're so right. “

And you realized, Tekka didn’t have a death wish... he was already dead. He was dead as soon as the was the First Order ships landed in the village. He knew he wasn’t leaving there alive, and he was trying to give you and Poe, people he had never even met before, a chance to escape. To live. To complete the mission, you had been tasked with.

Kylo Ren’s lightsaber came crashing down onto Tekka killing him on the spot, it happened so fast you had no time to react. A gasp almost escaped your lips, and the next few moments seemed to happen in slow motion. Poe, the reckless man that he is, came out of nowhere and charged at Kylo Ren with a blaster. _You idiot!_ You could’ve choked him for doing something so brave, but stupid.

With seemingly no trouble Kylo Ren managed to stop the blast in midair.

_Impossible…he caught the blast in midair…._

You tremble in terror as stormtroopers drag the love of your life towards the man you had just witnessed slaughter your contact.

“So who talks first? You talk first, I talk first?”

_Oh my stars Poe you’re going to get yourself killed!_

“The old man gave it to you." He must have been reading Poe's mind because there was no possible way for him to draw that conclusion with no evidence.

“It’s just very hard to understand with all the—apparatus."

“Search him," Kylo Ren ordered as Poe was brought to his feet. The stormtroopers that had been restraining him began scanning him for weapons. _They're waisting their time he doesn't have anything._

“Nothing Sir.”

“Put him on board.” You clench your jaw as Poe is taken captive. Every bone in your body wanted to rescue him, but you knew an attempt at rescue would be fruitless. To attack an enemy you knew nothing about, not to mention one that displayed this level of power was foolish to say the least. Doing so would surely get Poe and yourself killed on the spot.

“Sir! The villagers?” Questions a stormtrooper in chrome armor that you hadn't noticed before.

Kylo Ren paused as if contemplating the fate of those that resisted him, “kill them all.”

The sick feeling of your stomach lurching and your chest tightening returned, stronger this time. _Is it this? Is this what the Force wants me to do, save these people?_

Your mind was racing: you could try to save Poe, but would likely get captured yourself. You could run after BB-8 and let all the people in the village burn. Or you could do what the Force wanted you to do and save the villagers.

_“ **Don’t think feel** ,”  _a voice whispers into your ear, but there was no one around, and certainly no one that would be giving you advice.

_Don’t think feel? …Okay I have two decent blasters, a marksman’s ability, and I can kinda use the Force? Okay don’t think feel, don’t think feel._ You repeated the mantra in your mind clearing your head. _The chrome stormtrooper, she was the key. Her armor must be different for a reason right? Possibly a higher rank, the leader maybe? If I take out the leader the horde is bound to follow._

“On my command,” The chrome trooper prepped her team.

“I gotta make this count.” With a deep breath you fired two shots, effectively taking her out.

You got off several more rounds, each shot hitting their target without fail before your position was discovered. Forced to leave your cover, you ran right into the heart of battle.

As your enemies fell one by one a dull pain grew just above your temples, _No not now!_  The feeling of your memories resurfacing was familiar to you now, unfortunately you always passed out once the pain got really bad. 

_Damn I don’t have time for this!_  Maybe it was the battle or maybe it was the pain, but it was clear something inside you had been dormant for years. Dots started to connect: The memories of training with Master Luke…your comfort in battle… how all of your shots seemed to find their targets without you even trying… the memories of Ben… all the dots began to connect, and it felt like the clouds hiding your memories finally began to part.

The rush of pride you felt at your success all but vanished when the scene before you suddenly changed into a sea of bodies on a rainy night; you froze. _What is this?_ You were standing in the middle of slain bodies. Out of shock you dropped your weapons and covered your mouth to muffle the shrill scream that involuntarily escaped your lips. As quickly as it had come, the vision had vanished, and you were back on Jakku.

The chrome trooper you had initially nailed wasn’t nearly as dead as you thought she was, but she was pissed. She took advantage of your confused and distracted state, shooting you in your left hip. You scream out in pain and fall to your knees, clutching your side. It was only a nasty flesh wound but the pain made it difficult to regain control of the situation. The remaining stormtroopers were upon you. As struggled and kicked and fought against your subduers, you scan the terrain and see no sign of the villagers. The tightness in your chest, and the stirring in your stomach ceases, "Are you happy Force?! I saved the villagers!” You scream out to no one in particular as you are wrestled to the ground.

_“_ That was a good shot you got back there." You look up to see the chrome trooper hovering over you menacingly." I might actually have been mortally wounded if it weren't for my new high-grade armor." 

"Glad I could break it in for you," you grunted.

"It's greatly appreciated," she snarled before knocking you out with the butt of her rifle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ohhhhhh... so (Y/N)'s hearing voices now... is it the Force or a Force Ghost, hmmm... ;-).


	3. The Unexpected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Italicized phrases are Kylo's inner monologue.

**(Poe's Interrogation)**

“I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board,” Kylo said smugly, “comfortable?”

“Not really,” Poe responds curtly, sitting up despite the restraints.

“I’m impressed. No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map.” _Then again none of the others are as competent as I._

“Might wanna rethink your technique.”

_What a sarcastic shit. He'll change his tune soon enough._

He raises his gloved hand attempting to search Poe's mind for the map. _The pilot is strong, much stronger than I anticipated, he has walls around certain thoughts. Someone's been training him in thought shielding, my mother probably. But he's weak with the force so this shouldn't be that challenging. The location of the map is behind one of these walls, all the better to knock them down._

He uses mental energy to see past the walls in the pilot’s mind. _Where is that elusive uncle of mine is hiding out?_

“Where is it?” Kylo snarls.

“The Resistance will not be intimidated by you.” Poe struggles against the grip on his mind, but it’s not enough; sheer will is not enough to keep a thought shield up when one is weak with the force.

“Where... is it," Kylo demands sifting through Poe's thoughts and memories, "Where is— (Y/N)…?" It was just a glimpse, a flash of her profile at best. He had been sifting through the memories so quickly he didn't get a chance to do a double-take, but he was certain it was her.

_(Y/N)? But how… she’s… she’s dead._

The sight of her shifts Kylo’s focus, on a dime.

“How do you know her?!” Kylo commands, grabbing Poe's shoulders and slamming Poe's head back onto the platform as he tightens the force grip on his prisoner’s mind, with every intention of forcing the truth out of him.

“Who?” The pilot chokes out confused.

“(Y/N) you imbecile!”

The pilot's pained demeanor changed to a protective and determined one. Without uttering a word he said more than enough.

“You know what, never mind I’ll find out myself.”

Kylo penetrated Poe's mind again, this time in search of his memories of his lost love. 

He found them. It wasn’t easy, it was clear the pilot held those memories near and dear to him, this only fueled his anger and determination.

_She looked so different... the years had been kind to her. I never thought I’d see that spark of life in those eyes ever again. The night of the Jedi Massacre, I hid her away under her favorite tree, far away from the madness fully intent on taking her with me into my new life—our new life. The drug was supposed to knock her out for a full 24 hours, but she had woken up early. And it was just like her to fight for her friends… damn I should’ve known it wouldn’t work on her… I blamed myself… when I found her body shot through the abdomen with a blaster, I thought all was lost, I had nothing to fight for. Nothing to protect. I went crazy, killing the Knight that confessed to her murder, slashing him to smithereens and burning him; I even collected his ashes and put them on display as a reminder. All this time I thought she was dead, but she was alive...._

He watched every memory the pilot had of her, every second he could from the day the filthy pilot had laid his treacherous eyes on her. He watched the ignoramus stumble over his words trying to speak to her, watched how they got on like old friends even when they had recently become acquainted. He sensed when the witty banter turned into casual flirting. He saw the shy looks she gave him, those were the same looks she used to give… _him,_ he could sense the pilot’s feelings, and it made him indignant.

After watching the proposal it took everything in him to not end the man’s pathetic life right then and there; he still needed to know where she was now, so he swallowed his pride and dug deeper. What he saw next made his blood boil... he watched them be intimate. He wanted to tear the pilot scum apart from the inside. He could feel the bile gather in his throat, he felt physically ill, betrayed, but most of all furious. This Resistance scum knew her in the most cherished ways, ways only **he** had known, ways he now only had distant memories of.

“I ought to end your pathetic excuse for a life right now!” Kylo spat as he emerged from Poe's mind, his words laced with venom. _The mind invasion must’ve been too much for the damn weakling to handle, he’s out cold._

“I want you to be conscious when I sever your limbs from your body so wake up! Where is (Y/N)!!!”

The door slides open and Kylo whirls around igniting his unstable lightsaber, fully intent on slicing the intruder in half.

“Sir!” Lieutenant Mitaka exclaims entering the room.

“WHAT?!”

“We we found another Rebel.” The lieutenant stammers his voice shaking. “She nearly took out an entire brigade of our best fleet saving the villagers back on Jakku and—” he pauses gulping.

“Annddd,” Kylo replies through gritted teeth, growing impatient.

“And and we have reason to believe she is a force user.”


	4. Reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration:  
> “Past Lives” by: BØRNS  
> “Red” by: Taylor Swift

_How dare that scum touch her. How dare he look at her wit those treacherous eyes! As soon as I get the chance I'll rip them out myself!_

As he strode down the hall to her interrogation room he radiated pure white, hot rage. He was ready and willing to take his anger out on anything unfortunate enough to get in his way.

_All this time, when I would feel the pull to the light, was it really her? Was it just the Force pulling us back together? It must be, how could it not be. Maybe it's a second chance?_

* * *

 

He burst into the room and one look at her and all of his raging thoughts were collectively silenced. He had so many things he wanted to say, but as she lied there so peacefully all he could do was stare in shock and disbelief as her chest rose and fell. “(Y/N)” he whispered breathlessly, full of regret and longing. Without a second thought he removes her restraints and strides over to her, catching her as her limp body falls into his arms. _You died. I held your lifeless body in my arms and wept. You died years ago, yet here you are in front of me._

He held her, caressing her hair, still amazed she was even alive.

She began to stir, "Shh it's okay my love I'm here," he whispered tenderly.

"Kylo Ren?" She says weakly, "I thought you'd.... be able to sense..."

"You were alive? I know I'm sorry."

"When an enemy is faking it," without hesitation you force slam him into the wall. 

"You haven’t changed a bit.” He chuckles, as you stand in front of him, hand outstretched holding him in place. 

_What is he talking about?_ You wonder as you pulled out your concealed knife.

_"An onyx knife sewn into the seams of a jacket, undetectable by our scanners. She was resourceful, it would be hot if she wasn't trying to kill me."_ Kylo thought to himself.

You walk over to him and hold the blade to his throat. “Give me the pilot and I’ll consider letting you survive, consider,” you instructed, pressing the knife into his flesh letting him know you weren't bluffing. 

“You’re a lot of things (Y/N), but a trained assassin is not one of them." You could practically hear the smirk in his warped voice.

"You don't know anything about me," you assert gritting your teeth.

"You wanna bet?" His playful words surprise you, breaking your focus. _Is he flirting with me?_ Your confusion gives him the window of opportunity he was waiting for. Before you knew it you couldn't move your arms or legs, he was in control again.

_“Damn I can’t move,”_ you think to yourself and scramble to find a plan B.

“Well it seems the restraints are necessary.” You struggle against his force grip, “Please don’t resist, I'm not going to hurt you (Y/N), I just need answers. If I don’t restrain you, you’re probably going to try and kill me again. I doubt that was you’re only concealed weapon.”

“You guessed right,” you say flashing him a condescending smile as you strain against his force grip anyway.

“Why do you speak as if you know me Kylo Ren?” You inquire as he refastens the restraints successfully immobilizing you.

“Because I do know you. I know you better than I know myself.” He unlatches his helmet to reveal familiar sad brown eyes and curly deep brown locks.

_No it couldn’t be…_ “Ben” you say barely above a whisper, and the dull pain just above your temples started throbbing, building up behind your eyes.

_I don’t understand the boy I remember was warm and adventurous, mischievous at best, far from an evil murderer. There's no way he could he have become Kylo Ren, a man famous for committing genocide and spreading terror. There’s no way the boy from my memories and the man that stood in front of me are the same person…. But the way he caught the blaster fire… that was my telekinesis technique…the only person who could’ve done it was…._

“No this can’t be real…it can’t be true…how…”

His face was a mixture of hurt and confusion, as he took steps toward you. “It’s me my love, it’s me Ben.”

“Stop calling me that! If you really were Ben you would know that we were sparing partners, friends at best. That’s it.” _But could he— could he be telling the truth? After all I only have a fraction of my memories... what if Ben was a bigger part of my life than I remember?_

“How can you say that? After everything we went through—oh wait… you don’t remember, do you?” He scans your face for confirmation. _She really doesn't remember... does this mean she doesn't remember the massacre? She couldn't if she remembered surely she would be out for blood._  

“Oh I can assure you, we were much more than ‘friends’ and I can prove it. Open your mind and I can show you.”

"Stay out of my head," you warned him.

 

“I get it you’re upset, confused. Trust me.” You don’t know why but every muscle in your body relaxes when you hear him say that.

He removes his glove and puts his hand to your temple and it sends shivers down your spine. His touch was so gentle, you didn't want to believe such a gentle caress could come from such a vile human being. He leaned over you and you could feel his curly locks tickle your forehead, not an unwelcome feeling, but you suspected he was much closer to you than he needed to be. “It looks like there’s more than a decade’s worth of memories locked in your mind, but it feels as if they're trying to claw they're way out. Is it painful? I imagine it must be. They're walled off expertly, it seems like my dear old Uncle did a number on you."

_Master Luke took away my memories?_

"Yes, but no. He locked them away, he didn't take them."

"How did you...?"

"I'm in your mind, I can hear your thoughts"

"The sensation will only worsen when you force it yourself. You need professional help soon, it's not healthy for your memories to comeback on their own." You could feel his eyes on you, "I sense your skepticism, I can try to help you. However, the only person that can restore your memories is Luke Skywalker....I can sense your curiosity, not a day goes by that you don’t wonder about your missing years."

“No you’re wrong, I don’t want those memories back.”

“You can’t lie to me when I’m in your head (Y/N),” he says almost smiling leaning closer to you, "So since you can’t access your memories I'll let you access mine. He cups your face with his free hand and plants an unexpected kiss to your lips. It felt so familiar, so common place, it takes all of your willpower to not kiss back.


	5. Reunited pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so fluffy I'm gonna pass out I can barely handle it! It's pure marshmallow fluff I tell you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration:  
> \- "It's All Coming Back to me Now" cover by: Lea Michele  
> \- "

When you open your eyes you’re not in the room anymore you’re at the base of a waterfall encircled by a beautiful forest of red willow trees. Your eyes are drawn to the water; you'd never seen anything like it, it was clear and iridescent at the same time and with the sunlight hitting it it looked like it was made of diamonds. You found yourself speechless, unable to do anything but stare in awe at the breathtaking scene before you.

_Where am I?_

_You’re in my mind, more specifically my memory of you._

_Of me?_

_Yes. This was when we were stranded on our excursion to Gallifrey._

_I don’t understand._

_You don't have to understand, everything will explain itself right here. Look over there._

 

 

> “Ben!” a familiar voice cries out. It was your voice, but you hadn’t spoken.

The vision changes and a younger version of yourself runs right past you.

_Is that… me?_

_Mhmm, and that boy over there is me, I think we were about eighteen maybe nineteen at this time._

_Where are they--we going?_

_To the top of the waterfall, that's were it happens._

_Where what happens?_

_I'd forgotten that patience is not one of your strong suits._

_Hey!_

_What like it isn't true?_

You hated to admit it to yourself, but you couldn't bring yourself to hate Ben. Even though he was Kylo Ren and you knew about the awful things he'd done, he was just so different. He was funny and kind and patient with you, and it was so befuddling.

The vision changes again: The younger versions of the two of you sit in silence for a while admiring the beauty of the sunset from the edge of the waterfall.

 

 

> The younger version of yourself breaks the silence,“you know soon enough it’ll be time for us to choose a Padawan, right?”
> 
> “That’s right. Got anyone in mind?" Young Ben inquires.

Young you opens your mouth to speak but the boy cuts you off.

 

> "Wait wait don’t tell me, could it be that youngling that follows you around like a shadow? One by the name of… Reyna?”
> 
> “Yes she’s my first choice. I’ve already started training her in the art of the saberstaff so I don’t see why I should start over from scratch”
> 
> “Oh please she’s like your child” he looks over at young you.
> 
> "Shut up," you playful shove him and go back to sitting in the comfortable silence admiring the sunset. Although your attention is focused on the scenery, the boy's is on you.
> 
> "I've never seen anything so beautiful," young you voices.
> 
> "I have," the young Ben responds.
> 
> "Really where? Was it some distant planet in some far away galaxy?"
> 
> He takes a deep breath, “When I first saw you.”
> 
> Young you must've thought he was joking, because you laughed, “Oh please, when you first saw me I was sweaty and gross.”
> 
> “When I first saw you I thought you were the most beautiful girl I ever saw." The poor guy was trying to pour his heart out to you and you didn't even notice.
> 
> Your body language changed immediately, it seemed as if young you was starting to take the hint. "Where you disappointed when you got to know me?"

_Wow this was just going right over my head wasn't it?_

_Tell me about it, do you have any idea how I felt pouring my heart out to you and you not even realizing it? You were completely oblivious._

 

 

> "Nope."
> 
> "But I don't understand," young you looked into young Ben's eyes and his face said it all.

_Oh my stars he was in love with me._

_Still am._ Ben’s response makes you jump, you kept forgetting he could here your thoughts. You felt his eyes on you and resist the urge to meet his gaze, but the temptation was too much, curiosity got the better of you and he was looking at you the same way he did when he was nineteen.

_And always will be._

You quickly turn your attention back to your younger forms, trying to ignore the tension.

 

 

> “I’m in love with you,” the boy blurted out, and after realizing what he said he instantly looked embarrassed as if the words had spilled out of his mouth against his will.

For some reason you can feel your own heart beat quicken in your chest. _This must have been how I felt back then._

 

 

> “Are you sure?” younger you responded seemingly in shock.
> 
> Poor Ben looked heartbroken, "That wasn't quite the response I was hoping for. Listen I don’t expect you to feel the same you have duties and goals—" young you places your hands on his shoulders kneeling in front of him.
> 
> "I need you to be completely certain Ben Solo, because if you are unsure it will completely crush me."
> 
> He looked stunned, and got up in a hurry, you following suit. "Of course I'm sure! I've been sure for years!"
> 
> “Then what took you so long dammit!”

There was silence. It was clear the both of you were waiting for the other to make the first move.

Watching the event occur in replay was more awkward than you could've imagined. Although it was your memory and you should know what would happen next, your next move surprised you.

_What am I? No there's no way I wouldn't._

You are absolutely mortified as young you took off running and dove off of the waterfall.

_WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?!_

_Believe me I thought the same thing._

 

 

> "(Y/N)?!" young Ben screamed as he jumped off the waterfall after you.

The two hit the water hard and upon resurfacing, the situation escalates quickly.

 

 

> "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" Ben yelled at you, his voice full of concern. "THAT JUMP COULD'VE KILLED YOU!" He pushed his hair out of his face and threw his arms in the air wildly.
> 
> "I DON'T KNOW I'M SORRY I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS VERY WELL!"
> 
> “SO YOU JUMPED OFF A WATERFALL?!" He sighs, "Geezus (Y/N) If you didn’t feel the same you could’ve just—“
> 
> “Shut up,” You wrap your arms around his neck and cut him off with a deep and longing kiss. He pulled you close until there was no space between your bodies. It was clear that both parties had wanted the same thing for so long.
> 
> You break the kiss. “You know there was a saying in my village: 'Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive.' You're my someone Ben, I'm sure of it."
> 
> He pauses clearly holding something back,“(Y/N) I have to tell you something”
> 
> “Is it something good?”
> 
> “No” he bows his head in shame, but you put a hand to his cheek and he looks up at you.
> 
> “Then it can wait, let’s just have this moment okay?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> * * *
> 
>  

The memory ends, and you’re pulled back to reality.

“Ben…” You tear up and he removes the restraints, allowing you to wrap your arms around him and he pulls you close, kissing the top of your head just like in his memory. So much had changed since then, but your hearts still knew each other. In that moment it felt like no time had passed, like you were the same teenagers on Gallifrey confessing your love.

It was a moment you would’ve relished if it weren't for the stabbing pain in your head. It felt as if someone was dragging their nails over the surface of your brain, causing a pain so intense you let out a blood curdling scream. The pain was extraordinary, leaps and bound more intense than any of the other times your memories resurfaced.

“(Y/N)!” Ben calls out to you but you can’t hear him over the sound of your screams.

“GET OFF OF ME” you yell and force push him away, flinging him into a wall like a rag doll.

Your force powers were out of control. The metal walls began to develop fist shaped dents and claw marks, and the sound of warping metal began to drown out the screams.

"(Y/N) YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS!"

"I CAN'T IT HURTS!"

Just as excruciating pain became too much for you, your vision became blurry and you lost consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is heavily influenced by the movie Ruby Sparks, if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it, it's wonderful.


	6. The Great Escape

It was the rainy battle field again; the air was thick with the scent of smoke, seawater, and blood. Bodies littered the ground, you weren't sure how, but you knew them. Everyone of them and they were all dead. Your eyes darted from body to body, looking at their faces but they were unidentifiable, blurry at best. 

 A crack of thunder startles you and you trip over one of the corpses. As you roll over to get up, you come face to face with another, except this body isn't faceless like the others. It was a woman. Her long dark hair partially covered her flat nose and thin lips, but her soulless brown eyes blinked back at you with purpose. 

You scream and crawl backwards as she rose. Despite her movement, she was dead; you sensed no force presence around her, every living being had it.

She spoke to you, "I'm so sorry to tell you this but you need to know." Her voice was so familiar you knew her, but where from? Who was she? You struggled but you couldn't quite place it. Your eyes flickered between her empty eyes and the likely fatal wound on her abdomen.

"Who are you? What do you want? Stay back!" You screech your voice filled with terror. She was getting closer.

 _"Wake up (Y/N) wake up!"_ _  
_

* * *

 

_"You must wake up."_

You spring up breathing heavy, "Who's there?!" It was the voice, the voice you heard back on Jakku.

"Is there somebody in here?!" _Damn I must be hearing things again..._

You wipe the cold sweat from your brow and instinctively reach over to wake Poe to tell him about the dream you had, but he wasn't there.

 _What's going on, where am I?_  From the looks of it, it was a bedroom. Not by any means warm or welcoming, with metal walls and the bare minimum of furniture it was not unlike your cell. You pull off the black silk covers and you're still in your clothes save for your jacket and boots.

 _Poe... I have to get Poe. He was taken prisoner before me, he must be here somewhere._ You grab your jacket and slip on your boots, with every intention of searching every wing of the ship, if need be, until you realized the door had no handle.

 _What in the world.... How am I supposed to open this thing?_ You examined the door more closely looking for a key pad or retinal scanner, but came up dry. It was just a metal slab.

It was hard to focus on escape when your mind was racing. You sat down and attempted to meditate, something you hadn't done in a long time.  _The dream...was it a memory? It felt more like a dream than anything, but it was important, it had to be._  You had expected the missing 18 years of your life would be complicated, but you never thought it would complicate things to this extent.  That memory Ben had shared, it was all true, the two of you had been in love, but something still wasn't adding up. You didn't know what to feel.

You felt a pang of guilt thinking about how good the kiss was, "Ugh why do I feel so guilty! Nothing really happened," you groaned.

_Poe is the one I care about. I'm in love with him?—I mean I love him? Or do I only love him because he reminded me of Ben? Uggghh why am I suddenly so uncertain? Damn I wish these memories would've just stayed hidden. I was happy. I had moved on, started a new life for myself without Ben._

"Damn door open!" You bang on the door half heartedly feeling defeated and holding back tears. As you continued to concoct an escape plan your mind wandered between Ben and Poe.  _Focus,_  this new information had your emotions out of sync, making your actions sloppy. _Calm down and focus_.

You take a deep breath and channel all your energy into getting the door open. You lift up your arms and slide the metal door open just enough to shimmy out of the room. Not very elegant, but it got the job done.

As you were about to make your escape you noticed two stormtroopers, running down the corridor

"Prisoner escaping Docking Bay 2!" The intercom rang out into the hallway. You had no clue how many prisoners were being held on the First Order ship, but you could only think of one insane enough to try to steal a ship, Poe.

_That's Poe no doubt about it. Oh maker I have to get down there, before he gets himself killed, but how am I gonna do that without being spotted?_

As if the stars had heard your plea for help, a female officer rounds the corner. _Thank the stars!_ Although she may not have been your size, there was no way you were gonna pass up the opportunity.

You sneak up behind her and tap her on the shoulder. "You will trade clothes with me, and stay in that room," you laced your words with the force compelling her to obey you.

"I will do nothing of the sort! GUARD--" You punched her knocking her out. _Well it was worth a shot._ Pressed for time, you dragged her into the room, tied your hair in a tight bun to match her own, traded jackets with her, and stole her hat.

 _Where is Bay 2?_   You ran down the corridor following a faint alarm signal as it gradually got louder. With Bay 2 and the commotion clearly in sight, you hid behind a pillar and watched as a TIE fighter struggled to leave the docking bay. _Oh no Poe,_  he had managed to get the TIE fighter airborne, but couldn't break free from the tether.

 _I can help with that,_ you reach out your arm and use the force to tug the ship free. _That's all I can do I just have to trust Poe's flying ability to get back to Jakku and find BB-8._ You relished in the little victory momentarily.

 _Crap, how am I going to get out of here._ You had focused all your energy on figuring out how to break Poe out, the thought hadn't even occurred to you to plan for your own escape.  _Well it looks like I'm winging it._ You buried the panic and anxiety and ran down the nearest hallway aimlessly, coming face to face with a lone stormtrooper.

 _This is my chance._ You address them confidently, certain the Jedi mind tricks would work on this one, "Trooper, you will quickly lead me to the location of the escape pods, and then forget meeting me."

"I will quickly lead you to the location of the escape pods, and then forget meeting you."

***

 _Now to set course for Jakku_ , you knew there was no way Poe would leave without you or BB-8 and since to his knowledge the two of you were together his next course of action would be to find you and hitchhike back to base.

From your pod you can see the fire fight going on between Ben's massive ship and Poe's tiny TIE fighter and Poe was holding his own. You smile to yourself as your heart fluttered in your chest with pride, _that's the man I'm gonna marry._

You took what you learned from aviation basic training and applied it to the escape pod, effectively locking on to Poe's ship. Just when you were sure, things would work out, Poe's ship gets hit and starts plummeting into Jakku's atmosphere.

 _No no no no._ You recklessly undock, and zoom toward Poe's ship. You had been calm on Jakku, calm when you were being captured, relatively calm when you executed your piss poor escape plan, but you were most definitely not calm when your husband-to-be began hurtling toward a desert planet in a fiery blaze.  _Calm down trust Poe, he knows how to make a controlled landing, he's the best damn pilot in the Resistance for fucksake! He'll be okay everything's fine, everything is fine._

* * *

 

"General Hux an escape pod from bunker W-43 East has been fired and we're locked on target." 

The general makes his way over to the grunt, typing in the correct code to get a visual on the pod. It was a uniformed female officer he didn't recognize.

"Another traitor?! Fire when read—"

"Do not fire on that escape pod, I'm taking care of it," Kylo Ren states firmly. His menacing figure looming in the doorway. 

"I'm sorry what?" General Hux hissed through gritted teeth. He had nearly reached his limit with Kylo Ren constantly undermining his authority, and after the situation he had so expertly handled, he was not in the mood for Ren's sudden sense of sentimentality.

"Was I unclear? Let me rephrase it in a way someone as foolish as you can comprehend: Fire on that escape pod and your entrails will litter the floor on which we stand." Ren replies calmly.

General Hux swallows down a retort, if he didn't know better he would think the monster behind the mask was smiling. He turns back to his grunt ignoring Kylo Ren's demand, "Fire when—"

"Stand down Hux. That is an order," Kylo Ren cautioned again, walking further into the room.

"And if I refuse?" The general was playing with fire now, he knew that under other circumstances, Kylo Ren would not have hesitated to cut him down, but lately he could sense something was off about him and he was willing to exploit this weakness for it was his nature. 

Without hesitation,Kylo Ren ignites his lightsaber and marches toward the general. The fear of death was enough for the Hux and his grunt to step aside as Kylo Ren brought his lightsaber down on the control panel. He turns to look into the eyes of his shaken foe, "Next time I will not hesitate to cut you down right where you stand. Do I make myself inherently clear."

Although shaken, General Hux fires a snide remark,"Careful, Ren, that your personal interests not interfere with orders from Supreme Leader."


	7. Back to Jakku

_Out of all the shit ideas I've had this is by far the shittiest._ You groan and unbuckle your seatbelt and kick the door of the escape pod open. The shinning sun catches you off guard as you tumble out of the escape hatch and plop onto the hot sands of Jakku. At first sight it seemed as if there was nothing but sand for miles; a pillar of smoke interrupted the monotony of Jakku's endless sand dunes. _It had to be Poe's landing sight, how could it not be?_

"POE? POE!" You awkwardly run through the sand toward the smoke. Upon reaching the crash sight you realized Poe hadn't been as lucky in crashing as you were. The TIE fighter was completely wrecked; the parachute had deployed thankfully, but the man who piloted the craft was unaccounted for, and you couldn't stop your brain from jumping to conclusions.

_Please don't be dead. Please please please don't be dead._

You shimmy into the smoking opening and dig around in the cockpit hoping to grab onto his arm and pull him out. The smoke burns your lungs, but you didn't care, if Poe was in there you were gonna  get him out no matter what. Your fingers brush over the familiar texture of his leather jacket. You grab a clump of it and with a burst of adrenaline you pull, expecting to free Poe, but lose your balance and hit the sand with a loud thud. In your hands was Poe's favorite jacket. You lie their feeling completely defeated.  _No, it wasn't supposed to end like this... we were supposed go back to base together... get married...move to Yavin 4 and have a couple of kids... he wasn't supposed to die._

You open your mouth to scream, but no sound came out, you wanted to cry but no tears came you wanted to tear the metal apart and make it release Poe, but your body didn't move. All your mind did was replay the proposal on repeat. The last moment the two of you had been happy together.    

Shouts snap you out of your temporary trance. "POE? POE!" You hear in the distance. Scrambling to your feet you duck behind some shrapnel from the ship. From your hiding spot you can clearly see the source of the voice, it was a young dark skinned man in stormtrooper armor. _A stormtrooper! Where did he come from?_

You watch as he searched the wreckage, shouting for Poe. _What does he want with Poe?_   You readied yourself as he approached your hiding spot, before jumping him. 

Before the impact the two of you lock eyes, his eyes open wide with fear and yours rich with vengeance.

"Wait!" With no time to react he throws his arms out in front of him to brace for impact.

Your body hits him with full force and you both go down, in no time you pin him, with your hands wrapped around his throat, thumbs ghosting over his windpipe.

"What do you want with Poe?" You say threateningly, "And be very careful with how you answer me because I will not hesitate to snap your windpipe, do you understand me?"

"Are you (Y/N)? You must be (Y/N)!" He chocked out.  
"How do you know who I am?!" You apply a little force to your thumbs.

"Hey hey hey stop! Poe said he had to come back for his girl and his droid! I'm guessing you're not the droid!" You let up off of him, he was telling the truth, despite his uniform something inside you knew he could be trusted. 

"I'm with the Resistance, I helped him escape. We were on our way back here for you and the droid, when we were hit." He broke your gaze and his voice took on a solemn tone. "When the blast hit, Poe was unresponsive, but I was able to eject. I came here to look for Poe, hoping he had survived the crash."

You gulped, "I-I searched the wreckage he's— he's gone. All I found was his jacket," you struggled to keep your voice from cracking as tears welled up in your eyes. You look at the stormtrooper's face and he seems just as distraught.

"I'm so-"

“Stop. Please just… stop. I can’t afford to mourn right now I have a mission, it’s- it’s what he would’ve wanted.” _Nothing. I feel nothing. What’s wrong with me? Should I be feeling more. I can’t let myself think about him right now, I just have to get back to base and then I can let myself go. I’ll until I have no tears left damn it, but not now. I can’t afford to._

“I’m coming with you!” He proclaimed. It was clear he wasn't going to take no for an answer.

“Normally it would be against protocol to include civilians in a classified mission, but you are far from a civilian so I’ll make an exception. Come on we need to find a settlement before nightfall.”

He beamed at you and for a moment it was hard to see him as an adult, he had the innocence of a child but his eyes wore the tiredness of a man who’d seen war.

The two of you walked in comfortable silence as you struggled to keep ypur thought from drifting to Poe. After what feels like an eternity, you break the silence.

“So, how does a Resistance member end up on the First Order base without being detected?” The tension between the teo of you became instantly palpable, as you observed your new acquaintance as his hands started fidgeting, he looked askance.

“Umm well um very carefully is how I did that.”

You didn’t bother eyeing him up and down, he was a terrible liar and both of you knew that. “Uh huh…” You murmur skeptically. _No way he’s a spy, too nervous, even if it was an act why would he put himself in the line of fire? There was no guarantee he wouldn’t die when the blast hit the TIE Fighter. No there has to be a reasonable explanation_.

“Sorry I don’t think I ever caught your name?”

“FN— I mean Finn”

“Lieutenant Colonel (Y/N) but you can just call me (Y/N), I don't care much for titles, pleased to meet your acquaintance."

“Likewise.”

“So Finn, it seems like we’re going to finish this mission together so we need to be honest with each other, and by ‘we’ I mean you; I know you’re lying about being with the Resistance so who are you really?”

“How did you--?” Finn gapes astonished.

 

> _You’re just about the worst liar I have ever come across in all my years of living_.

“I am the general’s right hand and she never told me about sending someone into the First Order base undercover. So I’ll ask again, who are you really?”

He hesitates for a moment before coming clean, “I am—was a stormtrooper… I was taken from a family I will never know and raised to do one thing, kill. But during my first battle I made a decision to never kill for them.”

You didn’t have to search his mind to know he was telling the truth, you smiled at him, he was incredibly brave. Chances are First Order defectors didn't leave and live to talk about it. Plus there was no way he could be older than what? 20? He was just a kid really, and his heart wasn't jaded despite existing in an environment that bred hatred. He would make an excellent recruit for the Resistance. Despite the desert heat a chill washed over your whole body as a realization struck you.

“Your first battle, was it-- was it Tuanul?”

“Yes, how’d you know?”

“I had a hunch.” _The shift in the Force, maybe maybe it wasn’t the villagers…could it be him? But the energy was so intense, could it really have been from a kid? No way, the First Order would have known better than to take Force-sensitive kids right? Or at least run a midichlorian blood test right?_

“What about you? What’s your story?” Finn inquired.

> _Should I just tell him the truth? ‘Well when I was 23 I had an accident that left me with retrograde amnesia so I started a new life for myself as a member of the Resistance, where I met and fell in love with a pilot only to get engaged then meet my first love, Ben, who turned out to be none other than Kylo Ren of the First Order, who I shared a hot kiss with that brought back a lot of feelings that I can’t comprehend, also I’m starting to hear voices and see things so there’s that.’ Maybe not he won’t trust me if he finds out I have deep ties with Kylo Ren and in the situation we’re in, we need each others mutual trust._

“It’s really really complicated, and somewhat classified, however if we make it through this never ending desert I will be sure to tell you everything, it’s one helluva story I’ll tell you that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry this took so long, I had an awful case of writer's block


	8. Back to Jakku Part 2

Trudging through the desert left the two of you extremely dehydrated and exhausted. Thankfully the desert heat kept your mind off of Poe, and entirely on the need for drinking water and shade. With a civilization now in sight, Finn broke out in an all out sprint. _Kids these days, we walked through the desert all day, and he still somehow has the energy to sprint._ You watched in horror as he made a B-line for a dirty trough.

"FINN NO!" You called after him, but it was too little too late, he was already slurping the murky water from the trough.

"(Y/N) it's not that bad, if you can get past the slimy texture it's actually quite refreshing." He gags and it's obvious he's doing everything in his power to not wretch it up.

“Yeaaa I'll take your word for it, but I’m gonna pass and go find a well, that can’t be their only means of drinking water.”

After chatting with a few locals, you manage to find a well. The cool water tasted like ambrosia and more than quenched your severe thirst. You drank until the water felt like a ten pound weight in your stomach.

A familiar beeping drew your attention away from the nectar rich well.

“BB-8?!” You shout in surprise and whirl around.

You scan the crowd searching for the source of the distressed beeping, when your eyes catch a glimpse of a petite girl fighting off two thugs with a staff. Despite how intimidating her antagonists were, she had complete control of the situation; she handled the staff well, not professionally, but with unpolished talent. She took down the two thieves with relative ease and freed the rustling mass beneath the net, BB-8.

“BB-8!” You yell, jogging towards them.

The droid swirls on it's axis and rolls over to you excitedly.

“I’m so glad you’re alright! It’s great to see you too!" You giggle beaming at your prized creation.

“Are you its owner?” The staff wielding girl asks you. She studies you evaluating your threat level.

Although you’d never been to Jakku before she seemed familiar. Maybe it was the way she wore her hair in three buns, like you used to when you were younger, or maybe it was her elvish features, or was it the freckles and kind eyes? You couldn’t place your finger on it, but there was something familiar about her that was for sure.

“Owner? No, but I did construct it; yep from silly doodles and blue prints to the wonderful functioning droid you see today. Thanks for freeing BB-8, I’m (Y/N) and you are?”

“Rey.”

“Rey…Is it short for something?”

“No it’s just Rey”

“Huh, well it's  nice to meet ya!” You offer your hand in greeting.

"Nice to meet you too," she smiles and shakes your hand, you were about to ask her a follow up question when BB-8 began beeping violently.

"What is it BB-8?" Rey inquires.

"You can understand it?" You squeak genuinely surprised, after all why would a native of a place as small and isolated as Jakku understand the droid language. As far as you knew the only droids that ended up on Jakku were either immediately stripped for parts, or arrived in scraped pieces.

She nods, but keeps her attention devoted to BB-8. It gestures to a figure hiding behind some stands in the distance. _Finn._

“Oh relax BB-8 that’s just—“

Before you could finish your sentence Rey and BB-8 are already chasing Finn down.

“Oh for the love of stars!” You grumble to yourself before taking off after them.

Poor Finn was weaving though the booths and stands desperately trying to avoid Rey's wrath, but the girl knew the market all too well and was able to cut Finn off and take him down with a swift whip of her staff.

“Where did you get that jacket?!” Rey interrogated him with BB-8 instigating next to her.

“If we could all just calm down," you try to diffuse the situation to no avail.

“BB-8 says you stole it.”

After deserting the First Order, losing his first and only friend, walking through the desert heat, and drinking slimy water from a trough Finn's patience was running dangerously low. “Look I’ve had a rough day so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t accuse me of things.”

Unsatisfied with his response BB-8 zaps him with its built in taser.

“BB-8! I did not program you to behave in this manner!” The droid backs down but doesn't retract its taser and maintains its sight on Finn.

“It belonged to Poe Dameron," Finn gives you a knowing nod and turns to address BB-8, "That was his name right?"

BB-8 retracts the taser sensing no threat.

“I'm with the Resistance, Poe was captured by the First Order and I busted him out, but our ship crashed,” you could sense Finn purposefully avoiding your gaze, “Poe didn’t make it”

BB-8 rolled toward you and looked up. You knew what it was thinking, you programmed it to be optimistic. It clearly wanted you to contradict Finn’s statement, to say Poe was alright he was just running late as usual, but all you could do was shake your head at it and hold back tears. BB-8 beeped dishearteningly and rolled away. 

“I’ve never met someone from the Resistance before,” Rey looked at Finn with hint of curiosity in her eye.

“Well now you’ve met two! Well three if you count the droid, and we all look different… See three members of the Resistance here in front of you looking different”

You pinch the bridge of your nose. _What am I gonna do with this kid?_

Finn looks over your shoulder and his eyes go wide and you can tell something’s amiss.

You glance over your shoulder nonchalantly as to draw too much attention to you. There were two armed stormtroopers chatting with the two thugs that were harassing Rey earlier, and they were pointing right at you.

Panic set in and you tapped Rey on the shoulder while beckoning to BB-8, "We gotta go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! It's your friendly neighborhood author here to thank you for reading my fic! I'm so glad there are people out there that actually like my story because I've been writing it for a while, but was so scared to post it, but the feedback is great. Thanks again for reading and feel free to comment no matter how old or new a chapter is! (I swear I don't think it's creepy, validation is lovely ;-)


	9. A Series of Increasingly Unfortunate Events

Before long the four of us were in a dead sprint to a beat up quad jumper. From the looks of it, it wasn't a new model, but definitely new enough to have a functioning engine which was a good sign.

"Hey you two pick up the pace!" You shout to the lagging Finn and BB-8, while struggling to keep up with Rey.

"Wait we need a pilot!" Finn exclaimed.

"We've got one!" Rey shouted back.

"You?!" Finn uttered in shock. As it occurred to him that  they might not reach the quad jumper in time he looked around for other options. "Huh, what about that ship?"

We turn our heads, only to be visually assaulted by the wreck that was a dated YT-1300f freighter. The ship had definitely seen better days and from first glance was in no shape to fly.

"That one's garbage!" You and Rey snapped in unison. 

In the same breath the fighters that were nearly on top of you dive forward and blow up the quad jumper, your target escape route.

Stunned from the sudden change of events, the four of you freeze. Rey snaps you out of your shocked state, "The garbage will do."

Shifting gears immediately, you turn on your heels and sprint toward the piece of junk ship.

"Can you fly?" Rey asks you as she jumps into the pilot's seat and starts flipping switches.

You almost laugh as you adjust the pressure gauges, "Unless you want to this ship to go down in a fiery blaze I wouldn't suggest that, but I do understand how ships work, this rust bucket is just so old it's gonna take some time to navigate."

The two of you are silent as you work to get the ship in the sky.

"We don't have to worry about those special forces TIE fighters for the time being, that blast they sent off uses a lot of power so we have roughly 3-4 minutes before they fully recharge."

"Three to four?!"

"Yes three to four, probably three but hoping for four, anyway that's not the issue. The issue is that group of stormtroopers assembling on the ground," you gesture out the window. Sure enough a group of stormtroppers are encircling the ship, guns propped and ready, when a glint of shiny armor catches your eye. _The chrome stormtrooper._

"Oh this is bad," you mumble to yourself and grimaced.

"What?!" Rey quips sounding slightly more panicked.

"Hey, we need those cannons live now!" You shout to Finn hoping he's making better headway than you were.

"This ship is as old as the galaxy itself, it's going to take a few minutes before the cannons come online," Finn responds rightfully frustrated.

"Rey, how soon can you get this ship airborne?"

"30 seconds."

"Perfect, as soon as you lift off open the exiting hatch." 

"What? Why?" She stops flipping switches and looks at you with concern.

"Trust me! I'm a trained professional I have a plan."

"What plan?! When did you find the time to put together a plan?!"

"I think I know why the ground troops aren't firing on us, and if I'm right it should buy you guys enough time to escape."

"And if you're wrong?"

You pause, "The chances of all of us getting captured and/or killed increases exponentially."

"BB-8 stay with them, they'll get you back to base. I'll figure a way back I promise."

You get out of the copilot seat and stand in front of the descending platform, "Just make sure you get BB-8 back to the base and find Skywalker!" Just as you had instructed her to do Rey opens the exiting hatch as the freighter lifts off and you jump tumbling to the ground and landing in the center of the ring of enemies. 

"Long time no see, Bucket Head."

"Resistance Prisoner #2, I would say it's a pleasure to meet you again, but withholding the truth is against protocol. I do applaud you for jumping from that height,you must have known our ground equippment is distance based. It seems you've done your research, consider me impressed. You will come with us now."

You glance around the circle. All eyes and guns are trained on you. _Eleven troopers including their leader, I took out way more last time, but the element of surprise is not at my disposal. I'm completely surrounded and there's no way she'd leave any openings for me to escape._ "Call off your pets and I'll think about it."

"I don't think so, you see after that first stunt you pulled at Tuanul, I have instructed them to approach you with extreme caution. Our orders are to retrieve you unharmed, and you willbe leaving here with us whether you resist or not."

You smirk, "Maybe I wasn't clear enough for you. Have your men lower their weapons before I make them." 

"Don't look so smug Resistance Prisoner #2, as we speak our air-forces are eliminating your fellow scoundrels, and retrieving the map."

"Captain," the stormtrooper to her left pipes up, "Gamma squadron has lost contact."

"I'm sorry 'Captain' what were you saying something about your air-forces eliminating my fellow scoundrels?" You reiterated mockingly struggling to bite back your smirk.

 _Jedi mind tricks it is then._ You keep your eyes trained on your nemesis, "You will lower your weapons and kneel."

One by one the stormtroopers surrounding you begin to drop their weapons. A rush of pride flows through you as you disarm your enemies without having to move a muscle.

You stare down the chrome trooper, "Well it looks like I can just waltz right on out of here, huh?" a grin tugged at the corners of your lips.

You sense her attention shift from you. "FN-2199!"

"What?" You utter in confusion and in the next moment  a strong electrical pulse rips through your body. As you collapse you catch a glimpse of a lone stormtrooper still standing with his gun trained on you.

"I thought your orders were to capture me unharmed?" She hovers over you as you begin seeing double and fade in and out of consciousness.

"The blast wasn't strong enough to do any real damage, just enough to overwhelm your central nervous system and make you... manageable."

* * *

 

**MEANWHILE ON STARTKILLER BASE**

"Supreme Leader, we had a Force sensitive female prisoner, but Kylo Ren let her escape." Hux states while pointing a finger at Kylo Ren.

Quick to defend his honor Kylo Ren counters General Hux's accusation, "Supreme Leader, Hux is omitting key facts. The female prisoner escaped and Hux wanted her escape pod shot down not captured. I prevented him by doing so because there were other factors at play."

Supreme Leader Snoke remained unamused by their testimonies, "Enlighten me Kylo Ren."

"She was a captured as a member of the Resistance, but upon interrogating her I immediately recognized her as a former member of next generation of Jedi, one that was confirmed dead during the massacre. Her memories confirm her identity as well."

Supreme Leader Snoke's grip tightens on his throne, "Are you saying she was resurrected?"

"It's a possibility sir, and if it is true then that means someone, likely Luke Skywalker, has practiced midi-chlorian manipulation and succeeded. However, the process seems flawed. She has no memory of the fall of the New Jedi, but has fragments of experiences, and maintained her skill in battle. If Luke Skywalker has indeed been practicing this skill, he needs to be eliminated immediately." Ren felt confident in his statement, although it was true he had ulterior motives in recapturing her, he did mean what he said for the most part.

Snoke tapped the arm of his throne rhythmically, "This is an interesting turn of events indeed.... however I am hesitant to task you with recapturing and assimilating her. I once tasked you with the mission to convince a girl to join our mission 18 years ago, but you became distracted and failed. What makes you think you will succeed this time?"

"The girl was the lover of the pilot we captured, he also escaped, but was promptly shot down and died on Jakku. I believe we can use her current emotional instability to our advantage."

He waits anxiously for Supreme Leader's response, grateful for the mask hiding his expression.

General Hux pipes in, "With all due respect Supreme Leader. The girl would be a great asset."

Kylo Ren stared at the red headed general grateful again that his mask hid his stunned expression. Of all the years he had known Hux, the general had never squandered an opportunity to belittle him in front of authority.

"After all," he continued, "The girl was strong enough to take out a fully armed battalion single handedly, without the use of a poorly crafted lightsaber."

Without a doubt, if the Supreme Leader had not been present Kylo Ren would have struck him down with the "poorly crafted" lightsaber on his belt.

"From the intelligence we do have, she is an immediate threat as an enemy, but as an ally our chances of finding Skywalker and crushing the Resistance are certain."

Snoke ponders Hux's proposition. "Very well. Kylo Ren, I will allow you another opportunity, but be warned if she does not join us, you will kill her."

Ren breathed a sign of relief. He finally had a second chance to be with her, all he had to do was make sure Supreme Leader never found out her identity. He had been careful to omit her name and all identifying details because if Snoke ever became aware of the fact that this girl was the same one he had fallen in love with and failed to convert 18 years ago, there's no telling what could happen.


	10. Starkiller Sweet Starkiller

"Shit," you mumbled as you awoke from your forced slumber.  _Wow that was so stupid of me, I let my pride get to my head again._

You tugged at your restraints as your eyes adjusted to the well lit room. The restraints this time were a Force-bonded, loose enough to not cut off circulation, but tight enough to be extremely uncomfortable. You fell back on the head rest and closed your eyes. It was clear your luck had run out. The feeling of dread that you had been pushing down and ignoring for a while began began creeping its way to the surface. Flashes of Poe's crashed TIE fighter played through your mind, and you couldn't avoid it any longer. After all that had happened, you were right back where you started.

Alone.

You could sense the feeling in your chest: bitter, ugly, burning, wretched.

Loneliness wasn't a feeling unfamiliar to, you were born into this universe alone and grew up an only child, but you had friends and parents that broke up the monotony of your perpetual loneliness. That was until, the sickness took them and left you alone.

But, then Master Luke found you, and brought you to a place where you didn't have to be alone anymore, and you made new friends and even fell in love! But then somehow all of that was gone too and you were again alone.

Then one day you woke up, and started over, again you had friends, friends close enough to be family! And a boy! A boy that looked you in the eye and promised you that as long as he was by your side you would never feel alone again, and oh did you believe him! But he hadn't counted on this. Now he's dead, and you are again... alone.

You felt your chest tighten and heart pounding, spots speckled your vision and you were sure you were gonna pass out. The more you tried to calm yourself by breathing, the worse it got and you were soon gasping for breath. _I can't breathe, I can't breathe I can't breathe? I can't move._ It felt as if a weight was being forced against your chest and it was only getting heavier. You felt a scream clawing the inside of your throat, but sound refused to come out. You were terrified, you knew your heart couldn't beat this hard for much longer.  _Wow dead before 30 by an anxiety induced heart attack... how pathetic._

 

All of a sudden your restraints went slack. Before you could process what was happening the door slid open and Ben burst through, simultaneously releasing your restraints. Your eyes went wide with surprise, as your knees buckled and you collapsed into his outstretched arms, unable to support your own weight.

"(Y/N). It's okay, everything's alright." The warped voice called to you soothingly, as he lowered you to the floor. He quickly discarded his helmet, sending it skittering across the room. "Look at me. (Y/N) look at me. Copy my breathing." You stared into his eyes, they were strong and focused, and his voice was steady and calm. With every breath you could feel your heart beat slowing again.

"You're okay, you're okay."

"Ben I—"

"You don't have to say anything, it's alright." So the two of you sat there on the ground, you hadn't even realized it but at some point he had taken your hands in his. If you had been in your right mind you would've recognized how odd it seemed. The same man that was feared by the galaxy actively helped you through an anxiety attack, and was currently drawing small circles on the back of your hand with his thumbs.

"I haven't had one in so long.... It just caught me off guard I'm fine now." And with that you pulled away and put distance between you and him, pulling your knees to your chest and burying your face in them.

"You haven't changed at all," he says almost to himself, "Beautiful, intelligent, stubborn, strong and courageous; yet so fragile."

A comfortable silence settles between the two of you, interrupted only by the soft hums of the ship's air circulation system.

Ben is the first to break the deafening silence. "We have the location of the droid with the map. It's only a matter of time, until we obtain it."

"If you have what you want, then why bother recapturing me?"

A fair question, but it was one Ben had not thought of an answer for, a mistake on his part for not factoring in her wit into the equation. He hesitated debating if he should tell her the whole truth or not. "To keep you safe." Sure it was broad, but it was true. "Trust me I know how capable you are of protecting yourself, but there are plans the First Order has that not even you would be able to 'protect' yourself from. Consider yourself an honored guest."

You turn to face him, unmoved by his statement, and hiss,"Do you restrain all your honored guests?" 

He can tell from the look your shooting him that he's walking on egg shells and should tread lightly. "The last time you were here, you weren't restrained and you escaped, causing quite the stir I might add. If you attempted to escape this time Captain Phasma, she's the stormtrooper in the chrome armor, would hunt you down and kill you on sight. I heard you shot her, is that true?"

The look he gives you is a mixture of amusement and pride, you turn your head hiding the grin on your lips, "Well yea, she had it coming."

He bites back a chuckle, he can't help but think that if you and Phasma had not gotten off on the wrong foot, you would be good friends. "By the way, how's the blaster wound on your side? I trust it is healed, I had the best doctors the First Order has to offer fix you."

You lift up your shirt and check your abdomen, sure enough the wound was mostly healed with no scar tissue, although it was sore and tender to the touch. "Thanks, but at the end of the day I'm still a prisoner aren't I? I mean I can't leave so why pretend I'm an honored guest." You stand up, and pace around the room aimlessly, running your hand across the warped walls. Ben stays seated watching you.

"Admiring your handy work are you?" He jokes.

Your body tenses and you freeze. You were so wrapped up in your own head that you hadn't even noticed the condition of the room until now, and it was awful. The the metal walls were warped and disfigured as if an implosion bomb went off. Distinct fist shaped holes peppered the ceiling and and claw marks lined the doorway. It was as if a beast had actively tried to claw its way out.  _I did this?_  You continue pacing ignoring his question, as he continued talking.

"To answer your question, I've made a deal with Supreme Leader Snoke: you to stay here and co-lead the Knights of Ren by my side and serve the First Order. If you refuse, you can leave and a shuttle will have you dropped on the nearest inhabited planet. All I ask is that you give me a few days to persuade you, before making your decision."

You looked at him for a long time, surely he knew you were no fool. The First Order was far too ruthless and unforgiving to make an agreement like that. It didn't take a genius to figure out leaving wasn't an option, but with no feasible way to escape the fortress that was Starkiller Base did the thing that you knew would buy you the most time to think of a plan. You accepted.


	11. Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration- “Untouched” by: The Veronicas (an oldie, but a goodie)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited version of same chapter posted 9/28/16

“Where are you taking me?” You inquire as he lead you though corridor after corridor.

“You’ll see.”

You follow unquestioningly, avoiding the gazes of the countless stormtroopers and crew members you passed on the way to your unknown destination. Your presence elicited many a questioning and judgmental glance, peppered with curiosity and blatant fear. You were certain that your presence was bound to be the gossip of the hour, meaning it would make an undetected escape damn near impossible

You round a corner and stop abruptly at a door. With a swift hand motion, the door opens to reveal his sleeping quarters. You step inside and survey your surroundings, the first thing to strike you was that the room was extremely minimalistic. There was barely any furniture save for the bed, nightstand, and dresser. The attached kitchenette looked as if it had never been used. The whole room felt so impersonal almost as if it was just a display and no one actually lived in it.

“Does someone even live here?”

"Yes… I do, welcome to my quarters. As you can see I've had the door fixed."

_Door fixed? Oh! This must be the same room I busted out of the other day..._

"Well I'm sure your crew members get a lot of practice fixing things quickly since you wreck things every time you have a temper tantrum."

Ignoring your snide remark he gestured to a doorway, “The bathroom’s there, feel free to shower, I doubt you’ve had a proper shower in a few days.”

He was right, after everything that happened, finding a shower was at the bottom of your list of things to do.

The cool water felt good on your body. What a relief it was to get the sand out of your hair and the dirt off your skin. You winced when the water hit the blaster wound on your hip. It was mostly healed but it was still sore. It occurred to you that no matter how good First Order medicine was, the blast was definitely going to leave a scar. You examined the scar on your forearm, and your mind wanders to that recurring dream. _I wonder what that ghost chick keeps trying to tell me?_

You walk out of the bathroom to see Ben in the midst of changing. A part of you wanted to excuse yourself and give him privacy, but you didn’t move; instead you watched silently as he changed out of his garb. As he pulled his shirt over his head you couldn’t help but bite your lip as you watched his back muscles flex. The view was entrancing; you couldn’t take your eyes off of him.

“You know it’s rude to stare.” A nearly inaudible shriek escaped your lips and you just about jumped out of you skin at his statement, thinking your presence had gone completely undetected.

He chuckled, pleased with himself; it wasn’t everyday he got to pull one over on you. Igniting the competitive spirit inside you, you dropped your towel refusing to let him win, and ambled over to him nonchalantly.

He turned around and froze, completely taken aback by your nakedness. “You know it’s rude to stare,” you mock him with a smirk.

He looks away and hands you a plain black T-shirt.

Thanks, you take it and put it aside, continuing to fold your towel. You liked seeing him squirm, his discomfort was entertaining. “What’s the matter? You’ve seen me naked before.” You glance up to get a look at his face and it's tomato red.

“Oh my stars you’re blushing!” The most feared man in the galaxy and you’ve got him speechless.

He looked away embarrassed and hands you the shirt again.

You roll your eyes take it and slip it on, having had enough of your fun, sauntering back into the bathroom to wash your bra and under wear. When you finish he's sitting at the small table in his kitchenette with tools littering the table fiddling with his lightsaber. And suddenly he looked exactly like he did back then, as if no time had passed. The more you looked at the man in front of you the more conflicted you became. How could it be that this same man murdered a colleague of yours in front of your eyes? How was it this same man who ordered the deaths of innocent villagers? 

You glided over to him feeling more lost than ever before.

With him sitting and you standing you were barely taller than him, forcing him to look up to you. He opened his mouth probably to spit out some cheeky comment, but your assertiveness cut him off.

Up close you noticed the jagged scar of his shoulder, "How'd you get this scar?" you question guiding your finger over the mark mindlessly.

He raises an eyebrow at you and smirks slightly, "You mean you don't remember?"

From working in the infirmary you'd seen may a wound like it, it was definitely an old blaster wound. Maybe at a time you knew the story behind it, but not anymore. "I don't."

He chuckles, "Well when we were sixteen you were teaching me how to block blaster fire telekinetically. You wanted to use training spheres, since I had no experience, but I insisted on using real blasters instead because I was a cocky shit. One thing led to another and...."

"I shot you didn't I?"

He nods, "You shot me." You laugh at loud, trying to stifle the laughter. "The shot would've pierced right through my trachea if I hadn't bitched it and jumped out of the way."

He smiles up at you admiring the crinkles by your eyes when you laughed. Although so much time had passed, and neither of you were the same, it felt like this could work. The two of you could be together again, like he had intended from the beginning. From that day he incorrectly dosed you with the sedative, forgetting to factor in your differing physiology. Maybe the universe was giving him another chance to get it right?

You looked into his eyes, and they were lost in thought. Just a moment ago he looked like the Ben you remembered, but your mind refused to let you forget the evils he had done. Who was the real person? The man in front of you, or the man that wore the mask? Is it Ben or Kylo Ren? You needed to know, with Poe gone you needed some certainty in your life, an answer, just something concrete.“Who’s the real you? The person who’s done awful things, or the one who’s horrified by the awful things you did?”

He freezes, caught off guard by her direct question. “I- I don’t know”

“Ben that's not an answer. I need an answer.”

Unconsciously his hands found her lower back and gently pulled her closer. In his heart he knew the truth, he wasn't the man she wanted him to be, but he couldn’t say that to her. He couldn't bear to see her like this either. She was always so strong, never wavering, or showing weakness, yet she was holding back tears right in front of him. The last time she had been like this was through the worst point of their relationship. But maybe he could change things this time? He had to get it right this time.

Without warning his lips crashed into yours, within seconds your hands slid up his broad shoulders and were tangled in his hair, with his hands gripping your waist. The kiss was deep, longing, and lustful, but you didn’t care. You wanted him to fill that gnawing emptiness in you, give you an answer for all the uncertainty in your life, and you hated yourself for it. Never before had you been so weak that you needed someone else to feel whole, but when all those feelings you forced yourself to bury came flooding back, you weren't emotionally strong enough to fight them off. And despite the voice screaming in your head to stop, your body indulged.  

Moments later you were straddling his waist, grinding your hips on his growing bulge. His hands slid down your waist to grip your ass, making you gasp. There were so many moments you could've and should've stopped. You could have stopped when he carried you to the bed. You could've said no when he pulled off your shirt. You could've stopped when you tugged off his trousers. You should've said stop when he left a trail of kisses down your neck, and up your thighs.

Then it reached the point when even your mind couldn't imagine stopping. When his head was buried between your thighs, leaving you a moaning mess and your hips bucking so wildly he had to use the force to keep them down. When he hummed into your heat making your back arch and your vision go blurry. The pleasure was nearly overwhelming, and when he entered you, your body went wild with lust, biting down on his scarred shoulder and dragging your nails down his back to quiet the scream of pleasure. And somewhere in the middle you convinced yourself, this was all that you needed. That Ben could fill the void in your heart, that the solution to loneliness was a warm body. But after it was over... you weren't so sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter was supposed to have smut, but I realized after spending months trying to write this chapter that I REALLY suck at writing sexy scenes soooooooo I'm sorry if I've failed you!!!!
> 
> Edit: Because I wanted to challenge myself, I went back and added the smut. I felt like I was omitting an important part of the story by skipping out on it.
> 
> PS: sorry this took so long college has me seriously busy so I can only update one maybe twice a month, THANK YOU GUYS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME!!!!


	12. Things are as they are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspo:
> 
> “Keeping Your Head Up” by: Birdy  
> “One” by: Ed Sheeran

_I can’t believe I just did that. Why the fuck did I just do that?_ The guilt sat heavy in your chest as you pulled the covers over your exposed chest. You felt physically sick with yourself for just sleeping with the man that you knew was a bonafide mass murderer the day after your fiancé died. You felt like crawling in a hole and dying.

Ben pulls the fabric away, planting soft kisses on your shoulder and neck, “I’ve missed you for so long.”

“Mhmm,” you mumble trying not to speak, too focused on the burning guilt in your heart to form a proper response.

He rolls on his back and stares at the ceiling, “(Y/n) I have to ask you something.”

 _Oh maker what now?_  “What is it?”  You mumble pretending to be drowsy, but honestly wishing him not to talk about what just happened, and from the tone in his voice it was clear he wanted to talk.

He exhales, “Do you remember what happened to you before you uh... disappeared?”

 You stay on your side and focus on a spot on the wall, anything to distract from the tense conversation you knew lied ahead, “Are you asking me if I remember what happened to me before I woke up on the Resistance base?"

“Yea.”

You sigh, having been asked this same question countless times over the years. “I still don’t understand it; most things are fuzzy. I do have memories from the Jedi Temple, but they are sparse and I don’t have context for most of them. The only things that are crystal clear are memories from early childhood, I'm not even sure why."

“That’s it? That’s all you remember?” he breathes clearly relieved.

“Pretty much.”

 

He audibly exhaled the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Except. I keep having this recurring dream, well nightmare really, about this terrible night at the Jedi Temple. It always picks up from the exact same point. The temple's destroyed and all that's left of the place I called home is just charred rubble. It’s raining, like torrential down pour barely able to see raining. The air smells like death: thick with the scent of seawater, burnt flesh, blood, and smoke, it makes me gag just thinking about it. Anyway, I’m standing in a field of bodies…none of them have faces, except for one girl. Sometimes she lays their lifeless, other times reaches out to me. I know I’m not making any sense, but it sort of feels… real? I don’t know... I mean it makes sense, something awful had to have happened at the temple for me to have forgotten all 18 years of it.”

As she told her story, the color quickly drained from Ben's face. _She remembers?  She can't remember, if she remembers this is all over_.  He swallows loudly and she can sense something off immediately.  “(Y/N) it's not a memory; probably more along the lines of an out of body experience,” he finally utters. 

“What do you mean?" You turn to him and notice his distressed state, "Ben are you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.” He sits up and you soon follow.

“No, I’m fine it’s just that... I had all but forgotten the details of that day and it all just came back vividly."

 You felt awful, it had occurred to you that the destruction of the temple might have actually happened, but you didn't even think about how Ben might have been affected. 

“I'm so sorry Ben, I wasn't thinking....This might be asking a lot from you, but do you know what happened to me?”

“There—there was an attack on the Jedi Temple. I was chaperoning the younglings in the cabins when the bomb hit the temple. Everything must've happened so fast... by the time I got there the battle was over, and... and everyone was dead. I found you in front of the burning temple, amongst the crowd of our slain comrades. You had this blaster wound in your abdomen... I tried to stop the bleeding, but you were dead... you were dead before I even got there. There was nothing I could do, I’m so sorry. If only I had been faster, stronger, I know I could have stopped it from happening. If I had gotten there earlier.” He was shaking, and tears threatened to fall, you took his hand.” 

 All of it was true, at least from his point of view, with some slight varying details.

The both of you were silent for a long time, his hand in yours. He looked traumatized, as if recounting the events of that night forced him to live it all over again. But the events he recalled didn’t add up; that body he described, the one he claimed was yours, sounded exactly like the dark-haired girl in your nightmare. He seemed to believe the body he saw was yours, but you knew that couldn’t be true. There's no way it was an out of body experience, it felt too real. But how could Ben and the nightmare both be true? It didn’t make sense.

 “Ben you can’t blame yourself, there’s no way you could’ve prevented the attack.”

 He looked at her thinking how she would react if she really knew the whole truth; not only that he could’ve prevented the attack, but that he planned it. That he arranged to be the youngling chaperone so he could pay homage to the act his grandfather did as his final commitment to the darkside. How he drugged her, and planted her as far from the attack as possible. How he had screwed up and got her killed. No... now he had a second chance, and he was not going to let anyone ruin it by restoring her memories.

“(Y/N) I need your help to find Luke. Supreme Leader Snoke revealed to me that there have been rumors that he found a way to bring back life, and you are living proof of that. It’s a power that is very unpredictable and it must be controlled.”

  _Are you serious?_ The fact that he brought that topic up after what had just gone on the night before was low even for the First Order. Even if the previous night hadn't been a ploy to get you to reveal Luke's location, it now felt that way.“I can't help you, I'm sorry.”

“What? (Y/N) are you even listening to me? Luke brought you back from the dead!”

 “First of all, resurrection is a myth, and second of all, even if it was real what makes you think I was resurrected and that Master Luke did it?"

“What do you mean? I held your lifeless body in my arms, but here you are now perfectly fine! The only ones that are capable of controlling a power that strong are my uncle and Supreme Leader!”

 “That might be the case but—“

“(Y/N) resurrection is a power that can’t be practiced by just anybody. Power like that must be found and controlled.”

“And what do you mean by controlled? You're going to find Luke and ask him to what? Not practice resurrection ever again? And what if he refuses? Are you going to do to him what you did to Tekka?”

 _She saw that?_ He pauses, he hadn't realized she was there to witness the slaying of the Resistance contact. “If it comes to that then yes.”

You let out an exasperated gasp, "Unbelievable!" It was clear now that the events of last night, were nothing but a huge regrettable mistake, how naïve were you to think that the solution to your depression was a warm body. The Ben you knew would never even consider murdering his own uncle.

“Ben I will not help you murder Master Luke. You said you all but had the map right? Find him yourself.” You swing your legs over the side of the bed, fully intent on leaving right then and there.

“(Y/N) wait” he stops you, taking your hand and you turn to face him. He looks you straight in the eyes and whispers, “What if the secret to resurrection falls into the wrong hands?”

 _Was he really delusional? Could he not see what is so plain and obvious to me?_ You take a deep breath, “Ben. You are the wrong hands.” He lets go of your hand, slightly hurt. You smile slightly and sit back down and try to reason with him. “Listen I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I've had the same plan from the beginning, after your days of attempting to convert me are up, I’m leaving and once that shuttle drops me on the nearest inhabited planet, I am going to hitchhike back to home.”

He scoffs, feeling angry and betrayed. “Back home? Where? To the Resistance? What do you even have to go back for?”

You frown, and narrow your eyes at him; he was upset. If there was anything you remembered about Ben, it was that when the two of you would get in an argument, he would try to push your buttons until you snapped at him. “What do I have to go back for? Umm friends, a job, a cause I believe in.” 

“Friends? Ha!" he scoffed, "And how would they react to the news of that pilot? Or what if the news got out about what happened in this very room? Your ‘friends’ would turn on you as soon as your loyalty was called into question.”

“That’s— that’s not true.”

“Oh is it? Okay maybe initially they would defend you, but the news would spread like wild fire throughout that base, and soon enough they would change their minds to match the popular vote.”

You center yourself before you snapped, "Okay I'm going to let you rethink your last statement because you're acting like a real pompous asshole right now."

“You're right, you're right I'm sorry.... (Y/n) if you stayed here, with me, I would do anything for you. (Y/N) after all these years I’ve never stopped thinking about you. I love you and nothing has changed that.”

 

“Then run away with me.” You were shocked by your own statement, it was just a passing thought. You just kind of said it without really thinking.

“What?” Ben responds equally as shocked.

“You said you would do anything for me. Leave the ‘Kylo Ren’ act and just be Ben again, run away with me; I miss you.”

 

“(Y/N)”, Ben sighed growing agitated, “it’s not that simple, I’m not that person anymore, I’m not _Ben.”_  

 

“Don’t say that," you take his hand, put he pulls out of your grasp. 

“No you’re not getting it Ben is gone. I don’t mind you calling me Ben because I love you, but you need to understand that the ‘Ben’ you knew is long gone.”

You were missing something, you had to be missing something. From where you were standing it didn't make sense that he would even be with the First Order, and now when you gave him the opportunity to leave it behind, and live a life with you he turns you down? Something was up. “Why are you doing this?” She searches his eyes for any glimpse of an explanation.

“Stop, you couldn’t understand.” He throws off the covers and angrily marches out of bed.

You crawl to the end of the bed, and force him to look at you.

“No tell me why you are doing this. Don’t think I’m naïve enough to think just because I had sex with you, that I suddenly forgot and forgave what you’ve been up to the last few years. You’ve killed people Ben, and hurt countless others. I know you aren’t trying to find Luke for a family reunion. If you find him you’re going to kill him, but you can still change. You can go back to being that person that made the choice to become a Jedi and—“

“No **you** made a choice to become a Jedi, I was forced to! I DIDN’T WANT IT! I DIDN’T WANT ANY PART OF IT!” You had definitely hit a nerve, and he was enraged. His words became sharp and his aura cold. And you began thinking he was right. The Ben you knew was hot tempered sure, but he would never snap at you like that.

He wasn't the same, but then again... neither were you. You move to the end of bed kneeling and rest your hands on his shoulders, just like you did that day ten years ago when he confessed his love to you. His body instantly relaxed at your touch, you always did have that effect on him.

“Fine it was a shitty decision your parents made, but I know and respect your mother. I am positive she thought she was doing what was best for you. Besides, it wasn’t all bad… if you hadn’t been sent away, you wouldn’t have met me… and I’m amazing.”

He smiles slightly, grateful to the universe for giving him a second chance with you. “You really are,” his voice cracked and you could tell he was holding back tears, he pulls you into a hug and kisses your forehead. “Please...please reconsider staying,” he whispers into your hair, “The truth is--," he could hardly accept the reality of his statement, "if you don’t stay here Supreme Leader will have you killed, and I’m the one that will be sent to do it.”

You smile gently, already knowing that to be the case. The First Order was cruel and unforgiving, if someone especially a higher up were to fail a task it was not uncommon for them to force the offending party to commit an act that would shatter their spirit entirely as punishment. “I know Ben, I know.”

His brow furrows in confusion, and he releases you from the embrace, “How did you—“

“I’m sort of a big deal with the Resistance, like Lieutenant Colonel big deal, I’ve studied hostage tactics and the First Order for over 5 years.”

 He chuckles, proud of how smart and successful you had become. “Come with me there’s something I want to show you.” He presses a panel on the wall and a doorway opens up. Inside is a two-tiered wall full of the most beautiful gowns you’ve ever seen, gowns you only dreamed of wearing, all framing a grand marble pedestal.

“What’s all this?”

“You don't remember this, but we had a mission on Naboo some odd years ago, and we came across this memorial dedicated to one of their past queens, Padmé Amidala. You kind of idolized her, and you said--"

"-- if I ever have the chance I'd dress like her everyday." It was weird you remembered saying those exact words, but had no memory of Naboo or the trip Ben referenced. "I remember that."

"You were always so fond of these things so, whenever I see one I buy it and bring it to your alter.”

“Alter?” Looking more closely you realize that a black urn sat atop the white marble pedestal. You reach out to touch it, and realize tears were streaming down your face. You wiped them away with your sleeve as Ben beckons you over to him.

He grabs a box from a shelf, and hands it to you, “Here it belongs to you anyway."

You take the box apprehensively, having no clue what it could possibly be. “My saberstaff?” You couldn't even remember the last time you'd seen the thing, but it had definitely been too long. 

“It was with your body when I found you. I’m giving this to you because I have to go somewhere and don’t know when I’ll be back. There are people here, mostly Phasma and her troops, that oppose your presence. If they harass you, I want you to put the fear of the stars in them.”

You ignite your saber and brilliant pale blue light exudes from both ends. Although you hadn't held a lightsaber for years, the cool metal felt at home in your hands and your muscles itched to practice; having your saber back made you more giddy than you cared to admit. "You know you don't have much time to convince me to stay," you remind him.

"I know, I'll be back soon. I love you." He kisses your forehead and exits the closet leaving you with your long lost saberstaff and all the gowns you could dream of, but of course all of it is too good to be true. You turn around, expecting to see the wall of designer gowns, but it’s the blood soaked battle field again, but this time you're standing face to face with the girl. 

You back up, and hit an invisible wall, breath hitched in your throat, you couldn’t scream, couldn’t call for help. All you could do was stand there in terror. She approaches you slowly and reaches out to you as if to shake your hand. Her ghostly eyes aren't as emotionless and empty as you once thought, rather they looked scared so so scared.  _“I'm so sorry to tell you this but you need to know…,"_ her voice shook with fear, " _The lightsaber wielding attacker..."_

You unconsciously reach out your hand too to comfort her, she needed help, she looked scared to death. _“It's Ben. I'm so sorry but Ben did this."_  She scratches your forearm, the pain ignites and you watch the girl transform before your eyes into a perfect copy of yourself and collapse.

The events of that night all came flooding back. The dark-haired girl that had been terrorizing your nightmares was you're best friend Tlaar... finding her bleeding out… her shapeshifting into you before falling lifeless… escaping with your Reyna and Luke… and finally begging him to make you forget. You snap out of it, and fall to your knees rubbing the scratch marks on your wrist. The urn... those ashes weren't yours they were Tlaar's. The pieces were coming together, but you were still confused as to how and _why_ Ben would do this. In a haste you grab the nearest gown and tug it on. You start running, no clue where, but your feet were carrying you. You had to find Ben, you needed answers now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey hi hello again guys <3 I'm back with another unplanned update! I hope you guys liked the fluff up until now, because from now on it's going to be a lot more angsty. As always feel free to comment or click the kudos button no matter how new or old the update is! Validation is lovely ;-P


	13. Emotions start to leak, and suddenly they just sneak

Leaving the room, Kylo knew things would never be the same. Her memories were coming back to her, and as they did, she’d soon find out the truth and this dream would be over.  He was stupid to think the Force was really pulling them back together; it was only toying with him. She was stubborn and argumentative and optimistic and beautiful and everything he remembered and loved. She really hadn’t changed at all… but... he had. And this new him, Kylo Ren, couldn’t be with someone like her. But if the Force had pulled them back together, even just for a little while, even just to toy with him… he was grateful.  

 

“Go. Oversee preparations.” Snoke’s speech snapped him out of his reflective moment 

“Yes Supreme Leader.” The weapon had to be used. If he didn’t initiate it soon, he knew he’d soon give in to her, and he couldn’t do that not after all he’d worked for, and certainly not with the prophecy.

 She was on his mind throughout the entire meeting with Snoke. Her presence was dangerous, when Snoke had given the idiot of a general the cue to start preparing the Death Star, he felt the urge to rethink using the weapon. He hesitated. She had awakened the light in him that he had worked so hard to put out.

 

He entered his office, discarding his helmet on the ashes of those that had wronged him, and sat down to have a conversation with the only other person that could truly understand him, his grandfather.

"Forgive me. I feel it again... The pull to the light... Supreme Leader senses it. Show me again... The power of the darkness... And I'll let nothing stand in our way... Show me... Grandfather... and I will finish... what you started. "

"And what exactly did he start?" 

"(Y/n)? How did you-? I didn't-"

"You let your guard down Ben. You're getting sloppy."

 "What are you doing here?"

Seeing her there was unreal, she looked radiant in the gown. Like the designer cut out a small piece of the universe and draped it over her body. In that moment he saw a future in which she decided to stay, where they were together sharing the same bed as they had the night before. She was as beautiful as she was enraged. He would’ve taken the time to tell her that, but better judgment told him to keep his mouth shut.

You waisted no time in confronting him. “When I told you about my recurring dream about a rain soaked battle field surrounded by fallen comrades, you broke out into a cold sweat. Why was that?” Her words were laced with poison, daring him to step out of line and risk being stung.

 

“Well it brought back memories that I would rather not remember.” She knew. He knew she knew. And he saw that perfect future disintegrating before his eyes.

“Ah that’s right. You were there the night of the attack right?”  
“Yes, I told you about that this morning. I was chaperoning the younglings.” He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, he thought he was ready to let her go, but a part of him wanted her to stay, and that part was much louder and stronger than the rest.

  
“Chaperoning were you? Because I distinctly remember going to the younglings cabin to look for you AND SEEING ALL OF THEM SLAIN. ALL WITH WOUNDS ONLY A LIGHTSABER COULD MAKE.” You could sense him formulating a lie even before he opened his mouth.  
“(Y/N) I was—“  
“Ben if you even think you’re going to lie to me at least have the sense to make sure you’re wearing that damn helmet. Your face already looks panicked, and I can hear your heart beat hasten from over here. You’re hiding something.”  
A brief silence passes between the two as tension builds.  
“Your meeting with Snoke. I heard it all. Ben you can’t use that weapon, it’ll wipe out so many planets. You’ve already done so many unspeakable acts. You don’t have to add this to the list. If you care for me at all, you won't do this.”  
Her expression softened, pleading to him with desperation. He turned his back to her, icing her out and peered out the porthole. “It’s out of my hands. You have no say in the matter.” His tone was flat, completely void of emotion.  
Your heart shattered. “I don’t even know you anymore.” You march over to him to force him to look you in the eye. “If you are any part Ben, you would stop this!” He freezes you in your place before you could even get close.  
  
“(Y/N) I already told you I’m not who I used to be, besides it’s too late.”  
Just as you opened your mouth to protest, a bright light shone through the port hole window. He releases his force grip, and you push past him.  
Staring out the window, you watch in horror as the beams of light split to destroy their perspective planets. Ben materializes behind you. “(Y/N) it’s too late. In a matter of seconds Hosinan Prime will be no more. Such is the fate of those who defy the First Order.”  
“No…” You sunk to the floor as the first beam struck. You could hear them, the torturous screams of those that were incinerated.  
“(Y/N)…” he places a hand on your shoulder and you quickly swat it away. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” He flinches at your sharp words and for a split second you register the hurt in his eyes. You felt betrayed. The most heartbreaking part was watching him become a stranger right in front of you. You knew the sound of his laughter inside out, his favorite songs, his inner most fears, but now nothing about him seemed familiar. Not the sad brown eyes you fell for, not the freckles on his face you used to trace. Nothing, it was as if this new person, Kylo Ren, was now inhabiting the shell of the man you used to love, and that man was long gone.  
  
“I’ll have guards escort you back to my chambers.” Kylo Ren stated as you felt two pairs of arms hoisting you from your crouched state on the floor.  
  
 

* * *

 

_What was I thinking? How could I let myself fall for a monster?_

You were escorted back to his chambers by six armed guards. It was completely overboard considering you were emotionally too weak fight. The door to his chanbers suts behind you and you lie on the floor.  _I lost my fiancé, slept with a monster, and failed to stop the death of several Resistance ally planets all within the span of a few days. General Organa was right, I'm just not cut out for field work._ At this point you were ready to admit defeat, but then thought about the people you lost. Poe and Korr, they both fought to the very end and you were just giving up. No. Their lives meant to much for you to just give up. Your mission wasn't over yet.

 

You searched the room for your clothes, but they were gone, probably discarded down the trash compactor by now. You quickly root around the closet searching for something that wouldn’t draw much attention, but all that was there were evening gowns. All as beautiful as they were horrendously inconvenient.

 

Just when you were about to give up and settle on the annoying gown you were wearing earlier, a pair of pant legs caught your eye. It was a fitted jumpsuit with chrome lining, and a matching hooded cloak. _Not exactly discreet, but it would have to do._ On closer examination, it was looked like the feminine version of Kylo's uniform _._ You rolled your eyes, the last thing you wanted to do was look like his partner in crime, but if it would help with escape then so be it. After a few failed attempts at tugging the jumpsuit down from them hem, you climbed up on a hidden ladder to take it directly from the hanger. Through the struggle of freeing the jumpsuit from the rack, you nearly tip over the urn, but catch it before it has the chance to fall over. Sighing in relief you place the urn back on the pedestal. The engraving makes you do a double take: _(Y/N) Solo. Oh my god I married him._  Closing your eyes you try to remember the details of it. What your dress looked like... who was there... where it was... but nothing was clear. Only vague memories of it happening. _How can I not remember this?_ Even though your memories were coming back, there were a lot of blank spots. _Wait wait wait so if these aren't my ashes, than that means… they’re Tlaar’s._

The realization that the ashes he had kept were your best friend’s, made you drop the jumpsuit and clutch the urn to your chest tightly. _I swear Tlaar I’ll make this right, I’m not leaving you here._ From the corner of your eye, you notice an empty spot next to the space Tlaar’s urn had previously occupied. A circle only slightly smaller than the one Tlaar’s urn had left behind, and surrounded by dust as well. As if the thing that had been there had been there for an equally long time.

 _Something he didn’t want me to see?_  While thinking of an escape plan you rummage around the room for anything to carry Tlaar's ashes in. Giving up you force open the door to Kylo Ren's closet, only to come face to face with the mask. It makes you jump. But it gives you an idea. In no time, you constructed a sack out Kylo Ren’s clothing to carry Tlaar’s urn, and plopped the mask on. _Escape now, mull over the details later_. It was moments like this that made you miss Poe, he was always the one to snap you out of it if you were thinking too much. You had to leave this place. The poorly thought out, half witted one you used the first time would never work again. Unfortunately, a poorly thought out, half witted plan was all you had.  _Six armed guards, no escape route, and I'm wearing a ridiculous helmet. I'm not liking my odds._  Armed with your collapsible saber staff and Tlaar’s urn strapped to your back, you made your escape.

 

The door was guarded by the same six stormtroopers that escorted you in earlier. All of whom aimed their blasters at you upon opening the door. “Ugh you guys again? Listen I don’t have time for this." The helmet distorted the sound of your voice, making your words sound sharper and far more threatening.

 

“We were instructed by Kylo Ren to keep you from leaving this room," recited the presumably highest ranked trooper of the six.

 

You eyed him up and down. You'd seen your fair share of upper ranked stormtroopers and this one wasn't one. From his presence alone you could sense he was the weakest willed of the six, and he was scared to death of you. This realization makes you smile, _This might actually be easier than I thought._ “Oh I’m sure you were, but look here EM- whatever the hell your name is, I will be leaving this room right now. And do you want to know why? Because of this.”

You pull out your saber staff and ignite one end and then the other. It shone its brilliant light blue hot flame.The stormtroopers immediately stepped back and activated their blasters.“I’m really pressed for time, but because I’m feeling generous and royally pissed off, I’ll give you a quick tutorial okay?”

 You set off their survival instinct, with them knowing it or not, it was clear you were the predator and they were the prey. They stood no chance against you. The word had gotten out about what you had done to Phasma and the battalion of their comrades, all without your weapon of choice. But now, you had it.

“As you can see I have a double headed light saber also known as a saberstaff, but hey look at this!” You clicked the locking mechanism and it split into two separate light sabers. “Oh yes, it can do that. Notice the color of the light. Can any of you guys tell me what color it is?”

 

“It’s—it’s light blue,” quivered the one closest to your left. “Very good, and can anyone tell me what that means?” You pause for a second met by silence.

 

“No takers? Well blue flames are around 30 times hotter than red flames, which means if I cut you with this once, it will feel like Kylo Ren cut you with his 30 times during one of his many temper tantrums. And if anyone would like to test that. Be my guest." any takers? ”

 

The lower ranked troopers eyes shift from their superior to you. They lower their blasters without hesitation.

 “Is that a no? Then you guys can leave. Despite what you might think of me, I'm not a monster. Go to the dining hall, get some lunch, do whatever you want honestly I really don’t care just stay out of my way."

You walk off, the onyx cape blowing behind you. With no idea where you were going, you started down the corridor. "You think you're doing us a favor letting us go? What will happen to us when he realizes you've escaped on our watch? We're dead!" Without missing a beat you reply, "That's not my problem." The hairs on the back of your neck stand up a split second before the sound of a blaster goes off, stops you in your tracks. You roll your eyes annoyed already knowing who was to blame. Turning around on your heels, you come face to face with the shot you had stopped in mid air. If your reaction time had been any slower the shot would have pierced the back of your helmet. The trooper may not have been a leader in spirit, but he was a good shot.

"Now EM-0076 I tried to be nice. I was really was going to let all 6 of you go." Sighing, you send the shot back towards him and the five other troopers, and within seconds... all six of them were dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me ;-p. So yea anyway I'm back after that looooooooong hiatus, I'll try not to be gone so long next time. I have had the story finished for over a year, but I have been postponing editing the final chapters. If for some reason you're as emotionally invested in this story as I am, feel free to comment of DM me (can you even do that on this site idk) and I'll tell you how it ends.


	14. Now I See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * bullet pointed text signifies muffled speech

The smartest thing you did all day was steal Kylo Ren’s backup helmet. Not a single person dared to stop you, and pathways cleared whenever you turned a corner. This time no alarms were going off, but you still garnered just as much attention.  _Maybe I should’ve kept at least one of them around…_ As you stormed the halls, it became increasingly less likely that your “no plan” plan would work. 

 Escape pods were out of the question, after your last stunt, the First Order was on edge and all escape pod hubs were heavily guarded with special forces Stormtroopers. Even with the helmet and outfit, it would be hard to convince them to let you use one.

 

“All these damned hallways looked the same,” you grumbled to yourself as you turned yet another dark corner. _Ben._ You sensed his presence instantly, he was just up ahead behind a pair steel double doors. You couldn't risk an encounter with him, but the moment you tried to leave a wave of energy hit you out of nowhere, it made you stumble and brace the wall for support. The pressure the force put out was overwhelming, it felt like someone was sitting on your chest and for a moment it was hard to breathe. _What the--...._  For a moment you thought it was the Force trying to tell you something, but them you realized the energy was coming from behind the steel double doors.  _Ben- no Kylo Ren?_   W _as this the business he had mentioned earlier? Impossible, the energy coming from behind the doors much too strong to be just him. Somebody else was behind that door with him_.

Your mind told you to steer clear, but your body disobeyed, only drifting closer to the locked door. As you got crept closer to the room you realized the other presence was somewhat familiar. _What is that other presence?_ It felt so familiar, but you just couldn’t place it. You put your ear to it to listen in:

  * _When you’re lonely… desperate to sleep at night… you picture an island…I see it, I see the island”_



You freeze for a second, _Ahch-To. Is he sensing me? Accidentally taping into my thoughts? He always said my thoughts were loud._

  * “You’re afraid you’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader!”



_That voice…Rey! It was her for sure. Did she just peek into his mind?  But how…_

 You felt the dull pain of an oncoming headache starting just behind your eyes. _Another pressure headache? More memories. The timing couldn’t be better._  Rolling your eyes, you reach up to massage the bridge of your nose; your fingers soon coming in contact with the cool metal of the helmet. _Right, the helmet_. 

At that moment, you heard angry, heavy footsteps approaching and your reflexes kicked in, by the time Kylo Ren had angrily burst through the doors, you had already scrambled to your feet and rolled around the corner. You held your breath, praying to the universe he wouldn’t come your way. Pressed up against the wall you fasten your grip around your light saber, ready to fight if you had to.

Thankfully, for the first time in days, the universe answers your prayers, and he doesn't come your way. When you were certain he was gone you emerged from your hiding place, and snuck into Rey’s holding cell.

“Rey?” You uttered in what you intended to be a whisper, but the helmet warped it, making it sound like authoritative and demanding.  
“Who are you?” You were taken aback by the disgusted look on her face.   
“What do you mean—oh yea sorry. Hold on a second.” You mumbled while fumbling with the latch to remove the helmet.  
Her eyes lit up upon seeing your familiar face. “(Y/N)? You’re alive! Where did you get that—”  
  
“It’s a long story now shush, I’m nursing a killer headache, and there’s a 50-50 chance I might pass out.” You focus your energy on the shackles that bound her, but quickly realized they were Force locked. The only way to get her out would be manually.

“What?! Are you okay? You don’t look too good." Your face was ashen and you had dark circles around your eyes, not to mention you were sweating even through the StarKiller was freezing. You didn't need a mirror to know you looked rough. The last few days had been nothing but emotionally draining. In short, you looked like you were on death's door.  
“It’s a long story, I’ll gladly share with you when we escape, but until then it doesn’t matter. Finish what you were saying.” The control board to the restraint system was unlike any of the Resistance or First Order tech you were familiar with. To Rey, it seemed like you knew exactly what you were doing, but in reality, you were pushing buttons and hoping for the best.  
“We saw you get shot back on Jakku—I thought you were dead!”  
“What? Me get taken out by that talking bucket lady? Never. Are you alone? Where’s Finn? BB-8?"  
“We got—“  
Before she could finish her answer, you hit the ground. Out cold.

 

_Memories of a little girl with kind eyes, elfish features, and freckles appeared in your mind. Reyna…._

You slowly regained consciousness. Rey was shaking you. She was blurry and you were seeing doubles.

“Can you hear me?! You have to get up!” _Rey?_ She was right above you but her voice sounded a million light years away. _Rey… Reyna_ … _Reyna!? How could I ever forget Reyna?!_ You began to connect the dots as you slowly drifted back to consciousness. You quickly did the math in your head. It was her, it had to be her! Your mind was flooded with images and sounds of events you had no context for, but all of which were undoubtedly familiar.

“Reyna?” You say slightly dazed, in your mind you had sounded so clear and certain, but it came out like a sluggish and confused question. “Reyna it’s you!”

“(Y/N), are you okay?! You started seizing and I didn’t know what to do, we have to go now!” _Seizing? That’s new…_

She helps you to your feet, and you grab her by her shoulders, looking her deep in the eyes, “Reyna it’s me (Y/N)!” 

“It’s Rey, and yes I know we met a few days ago.”

From her reaction she had no idea what you were talking about, “You don’t remember me, do you?”

She looked at you as if you had 3 heads and six noses.  _Nope she definitely didn’t remember._  “We just went over this we met a couple days ago! There’s no time for this we have to go now.” She pulled you down the corridor, somehow she had a better sense of direction than you had.

“It’s me (Y/N)! Your mentor! I taught you how to use a staff, that’s my thing—Wait you didn’t recognize me when we met so that means—oh yes the memory wipe!” Your mind was racing as you put the pieces together. The clouds that guarded your hidden memories were clearing and everything started to make sense.

“(Y/N) you’re acting crazy we have to get you back to your base, you need medical attention.”

You pull your arm from her grasp, “Reyna this is extremely important who taught you how to use a staff?” you stressed. “Again it’s Rey, and I learned it from—, umm well it was a long time ago I don’t remember.” You narrowed your eyes at her, “You don’t remember how you learned to use a weapon that has been the main reason for your survival on a desert planet? Doesn’t that seem strange to you?”

She paused, a flash of surprise and confusion crossed her face. From the look of it, she too found it strange, but there was no time to ponder it, escaping was a much more pressing matter than figuring out how she knew how to use a weapon she didn't even have on her at the moment. “Can we have this conversation later when we aren’t trying to escape a First Order ship.”

You nodded and followed her lead.

“Which way now?” The two of you had been rounding the First Order ship for 20 minutes and still hadn't found an escape route. You cursed yourself for not having the clarity of mind to pick up the helmet, if anyone caught the two of you now, masquerading as Kylo Ren's mistress would be next to impossible.  _Escaping would be so much easier if you hadn’t left the helmet back in the interrogation room._ Then it hit you. The interrogation room; you fainted before you unlocked Rey's shackles. _How did she get out?_  "Rey, how did you get out of the shackles?" 

"What? Oh that, a stormtrooper came in and I convinced him to release me and drop his blaster. "You did what?!" You rounded the corner and came face to chest with a furry creature. You were so surprised that you ignited your lightsaber and attacked with a powerful slash.

If Rey hadn’t thrown you off balance by grabbing your arm, you would have landed a fatal blow.

“Chewbaca?!" you gasped at the sight of a familiar face, "Oh, you scared the living daylights out of me!” He growled back in displeasure, upset about the fact you had almost killed him. "Well you try being wanted by an entire ship full of people that want you either dead or in a cell and see if that doesn't make you a bit defensive!"

“What are you doing here?” Rey gleams pulling Finn into a tight hug. “We’re here to rescue you!” They’re both beaming at each other. It would’ve been a sweet moment if this hadn’t been the middle of an escape/rescue mission.

“We can hug later, right now we have a mission,” interrupted Han with an annoyed grunt.

“Han Solo,” You say holding out your hand. _So this is the infamous Han Solo._ In your mind you had always planned on meeting him under different circumstance, like after the war at a Resistance banquet. But, now was as good a time as ever, “I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.”

He looks you up and down and hands you a bomb instead. “Introductions later princess explosion now,” He places a bomb in your out stretched hand. “I’m not a princess…” you scoffed. _How anticlimactic. “_ Place one of these at the base of every structure and press this button. Chewy and I will work inside, the three of you work on the outside.” You wish you could say you were surprised by his attitude, but from what General Organa told you, he was exactly what you expected.

 

Before you break into teams, you grab his arm, “Wait, Han... about Ben....” You sigh and swallow, your throat had gone dry. Admitting it to yourself was one thing, but explain to Ben’s father that his son was a lost cause was another. “He’s—he’s different now… I don’t think we can save him.”

 “I have to try.” It was at that moment you understood. You completely understood why after all this time, after all the times bailing him out of sticky situations, and all the time apart. You understood why General Organa still loved him.

 “Come on” Rey pulls you away before you could protest.

You followed Rey and Finn to the outside of the base and once you finished, went back to regroup with Han and Chewbaca.

* * *

 

With the outdoor task completed, the three of you rush back to the meeting point. Finn gasps, making you jump back into action mode. "What! What! What is it?!" Your lightsaber was engaged, ready to fight the unseen presence Finn had detected. “Y/N POE’S ALIVE!”  
“What?" You disengage your lightsaber, shaking your head in disbelief, "No that’s impossible he was MIA, we—we found his ship it was totaled, and we watched it get swallowed by the sand.”  
“It’s true he was thrown from the ship, he’s alive (Y/N), he’s flying around outside now!”  
You were overjoyed, almost to tears, but then you thought about what happened between you and Ben last night and you felt your stomach lurch.  
 _Oh fuck._ You turn your head, and drop to your hands and knees, feeling the contents in your stomach climbing up your throat.

"(Y/N)!" Finn and Rey shout in unison.

“Are you okay?” Finn questioned in concern, laying a hand on your back.

“Yea, I’m fine,” you swallow down the bile caught in your throat and stand up, “The cold just doesn’t agree with me. We’re done placing the bombs, let’s go back inside.” You flashed a reassuring smile for good measure. They nod in agreement and trudge toward the opening, occasionally looking at you with concerned eyes.

 

When you get back inside, you see Ben walking across a platform.  You hid. He couldn’t sense your presence, you had always been good at hiding it. You worried for Reyna, she was just discovering, or better yet rediscovering her abilities, you doubted she knew how to hide her Force energy. Right now she was a practically a beacon.

From your perch you could see he had almost crossed the platform, you sighed in relief. You signaled to the others that you were in the clear.  
“Hey!” a voice bellowed out causing Kylo Ren to stop in his tracks. Han steps out of the shadows and onto the platform.

_Shit. Han? Oh no. Oh nononono._ Your mind instantly played out all the possible ways this encounter could go down, and every probability was less than favorable. You had to stop Ben before he did something else he would regret for the rest of his life.

“Where are you going?” Rey grabbed your arm as you turned to leave.  
“I have to stop him,” you plead pulling away. She grabs your wrist, in another attempt to stop you, "You're sick, you can't!"

She pleaded with a desperate look. You smile at her concern, even though she didn't even know her true identity, she was still the same girl you remembered. "Rey, there's more to this story than meets the eye. Trust me, I'll be fine." With that, she reluctantly releases you from her grasp. "Thank you," you nod and abandon the platform.

_No no no, please no! Please! Don’t do this Ben! Anything but this._ You kept slipping up calling him Ben, all this uncertainty was making you act up. Everything that was happening was too much.  Where had the cool, calm, and collected you gone? The one that always knew what to do? The one that would never be conflicted by her love for someone that has hurt people, even people you loved? _WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!_ But even without all the internal conflict, you knew you couldn't just let Han Solo die.

 

You found a platform just under Chewbaca’s. The Starkiller was a maze, if you kept descending from platform to platform searching for the right one, there was no way you were going to able to stop the coming tragedy; but you were in earshot. _If I yell loudly enough just maybe…._ As soon as you opened your mouth to scream out, a Force grip was around your throat. You clawed at the invisible hand around your throat.  “ _It’s too late…”_ a voice rang out in your head.

_Ben?_ His left hand was slightly clenched; it was definitely him doing it. _How can he do this from that distance? He’s not even looking at me._

_“No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home.”_ You think those stupid words reflexively. The grip loosens enough for you to breath, but not enough for you to make a sound.

“I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?” You couldn't tell if he was talking to you or Han, but on the off chance it was you, you answered him. “ _Of course I will! Please don’t do this!_ ” You screamed in his mind.

 “Yes. Anything,” Han answered.

He handed over his lightsaber to Han. You could see what was about to happen. He was going to kill him. “ _No stop, Ben please!! BEN!”_

_“I’m sorry. I hope in time, you will understand.”_ At that moment, the room darkened.  The Sun… it had gone out. That light was gone, and with it, the last surviving light of Ben Organa-Solo.

It was as if time slowed down as the brilliant red flame of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber cut threw Han Solo.

Everything was quiet except for the ringing in your ears. Your throat burned and you realized it was because you were screaming.  
As Kylo Ren pushed the lifeless body of Han Solo off the platform he made eye contact with you from across the room. His eyes shocked you the most. You looked into them expecting to see dark, empty soulless orbs looking back at you, but what you saw left you speechless. Looking back at you were the eyes of Ben Organa-Solo. And in them... pain... sadness... conflict.... Even though your emotional state was a mess, you could see it clearly.

A shot hits his abdomen and he breaks eye contact. Crouched over in pain, his sights shifted upward to the platform you left Finn and Rey on; he Force jumps toward them in pursuit.

Your mind screams at you to follow him, but you just stand there too stunned by the look you had seen in his eyes to move. Just from his eyes you understood 2 facts:

> 1) You were a fool. You had fooled yourself into believing that Kylo Ren, the unstable embodiment of death and pain and anger, simply inhabited the vessel of the man you’d once loved. And that Ben was somewhere inside begging for a way out. It was that belief that blinded you to the truth that existed for so long.
> 
> 2) There is no Kylo Ren, there never was. It was all just a front. Ben was the most feared man in the galaxy, Ben was guilty of committing genocide, and Ben killed Han Solo. Ben Organa-Solo, your first love, your first everything... was a monster. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hi! Hello! Long time no see ;-p.  
> Sorry I've gone for so long, but I promise I will make an effort to upload a little more regularly.


	15. i think it's time for us to part

You snapped out of your trance and raced to the surface as fast as you could, not an easy task considering the chaos of the Starkiller collapsing. Lucky for you, Chewbaca’s shot did some damage so all you had to do was follow a trail of blood to your ex lover.

“Finn!” You rushed over to the unconscious figure collapsed in the snow. It was obvious he had tried to protect Rey and entered into a fight with Ben. Even though he had been trarined in combat, there was no way stormtrooper training was enough to prepare him to encounter an opponent as seasoned as Ben, the nasty mark protruding down his back was a telltale sign of that. You checked his wrist for a pulse, he was alive, but that could change very quickly if he didn’t get medical attention as soon as possible. Finn was lucky, the wound was deep, but not fatal and the lightsaber cauterized the wound so at least he wouldn’t bleed out.

The sound of lightsabers clashing in the distance caught your attention. _Rey._ “Hang in there Finn,” you whispered to him, and set out to help Rey.

_I have to stop him. I had so many opportunities to take him out, but I didn’t. First Hosnian Prime, and now Finn? If anything happens to Reyna because of my ignorance I couldn’t live with myself._

Ben had Rey pinned at the side of a cliff, from the looks of it, they had been fighting for a while and she was fatigued. “You need a teacher. I can show you the ways of the Force.” His words were enticing and Rey was at a disadvantage. Small skirmishes on Jakku were nowhere near enough to prepare her for a fight like this. Inexperienced with a lightsaber and cornered, her options were few and far between. 

Much too far away to intervene, you closed your eyes and projected your thoughts into her mind, _“Focus Rey. Use the Force_.”

“The Force….” Your message was received loud and clear. She swiftly evaded his attack and within a few moves Ben was on the ground with a deep gash across his face.To your surprise, Rey raised her lightsaber above her head, her muscles tensed as she prepared to bring the lightsaber down on him. “I’ve already got a teacher.”

“Stop!” You used the Force to freezing her in place just as the ground split between them.

“What are you doing?! I had a shot!”

“Go help Finn, he’s hurt.” You cut her off completely disregarding her words; you walk past her keeping your eyes trained on Ben.

“What? What about you?!”

“This is my fight Reyna do as you’re told,” you snapped coming to a stop at the edge of the ridge. Realising how harsh you sounded, you pause, “And if I don’t make it back… tell Master Luke who you are. He’ll know what to do.” 

Rey looked at the woman that was supposedly her mentor. She trusted her, but for some reason she knew in her gut that there was something more going on. Ever since she found out about that pilot being alive, she had been acting strange. Even when she was addressing her, (Y/n) did not turn to face her at all. Instead her attention was completely trained on Ben.

Without any hesitation, (Y/n) force jumped across the divide.

 

* * *

 

 

“Get up,” You order him with a kick of your boot. “Get up.”

He remains on the ground not even trying to move a muscle. “I can’t.” His eyes are trained on the sky; he makes no attempt to even glance your way.

“Get up you useless waste of space.”

 “I. Can’t.” He reiterated, sharper this time.

You spot the hilt of his saber in the snow and will it into your grasp. You toss the saber to him, and it lands on his chest with a thud.

“You can and you will. I will not fight you defenseless.” You start pacing around him, like a predator about to devour its injured prey. He struggles to his feet clenching his side and still avoiding your gaze.

 “We will end just like we started. With a duel.” You declared igniting both your sabers.

Against his better judgment he looks up and meets her eyes. She was sick, very sick. Ashen, with dark circles under her eyes. She looked…she looked on the brink of death, but she wasn’t weak; she was stronger than he’d ever seen her. The energy radiating off of her was as strong as it was dark.

 He was powerful in his own right spontaneous, catastrophic, uncontrolled, but you were somehow on a completely different level: completely in control and stable. It terrified him. In that moment he knew that even if the roles were reversed, and you had trained in the darkside, he would never stand a chance. 

“(Y/N) I—“ Before he could finish, you upon him. Dodging your attacks wasn’t easy. Even though you hadn’t handled your lightsabers in years, your muscles still remembered how to fight with as much skill as they had years ago. Not only that but, his training had taught him how to use physical pain as a fuel source. The problem with that is it’s only temporary and once the burst of energy is used up, fatigue develops quickly.

She was only advancing and he was on the defensive. He force jumped backward, toward the tree line to put distance between them. She stops advancing and a hush falls between the two, interrupted only by the huffs of heavy breathing from both sides.

“How stupid could I have been to try and forgive you? How could I think that you could be saved? That you were the same Ben I met that day in the training room. That you weren’t the monster I learned about in training.”

He wanted to deny it, but it was true. He was a monster, and he wasn’t the person she fell in love with.

You closed your eyes preparing to ask the ultimate question, “The dream I keep having, the massacre…. You did it. Didn’t you.” You seemed calm but it was a deceiving calm rage.

 His silence spoke more than words, but she wanted to hear him say it.

 ”Didn’t you!” With every sentence she uttered her tone was getting sharper and louder. The powerful aura around her became more and more enraged. He looked at the ground, and clutched his side, digging his fingers into the wound.

“ANSWER ME!”

 

Her conditioned worsened in the short time between the beginning of the duel and now. She was sweating more and breathing harder than she should for a fight this short. The aura around her that was strong and steady, was now chaotic and unstable. Whatever was happening to her was consuming her. ~~~~

“Please (Y/N)!”

“STOP. I want you to tell me the truth even if it hurts me.”

His best shot was to give her what she wanted. He gulped, “I did it.”  “It was me and the Knights of Ren.”

You couldn’t hold it in anymore your stomach lurched and you vomited. He thought that if he gave you what you wanted, it would stop whatever was happening to you. He was wrong, it only got worse.

 “(Y/N) please the planet is exploding, we have to go” he tried reasoning with you.

“I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU” The cool calm and collected you was nowhere to be found you were fuming. Nothing could be said to calm you down.

 “(Y/n) please it was an act of sacrifice.”

“Sacrifice?” A flash of light caught his eye, and he glanced down at your hand. Blue sparks were dancing at your fingertips without your knowledge, and it might have been a trick of the light, but he could’ve sworn, that your eyes had turned… yellow. His heart dropped. He had effectively ruined the most perfect thing in the universe. 

“You’ve sacrificed?” The gall of his claim had given you a second wind, “You threw away a perfectly happy and loving relationship, murdered our close friends, all for what? More power? And you call that SACRIFICE?!?!”

 

“No! I know you don’t remember but--”

“Oh I remember." You cut him off, refusing to listen to his excuses, "I remember all the people who lost their lives because of your quest for power!!”

You close the gap between the two of you with remarkable speed for someone who looked like they were on death’s door moments ago, and swing at him. He barely dodges it, but your lightsaber cuts through the tree like butter. You whirl around without hesitating to attack again.

“TLAAR!”

He manages to rid you of one of your lightsabers, sending it flying into the tree line. The inconvenience doesn't slow you down, in fact, the attacks actually got stronger and faster.

“KORR!”

“YOUR OWN FATHER!” By now you’re screaming at the top of your lungs. “I HAD A NEW LIFE, I WAS ENGAGED TO A GREAT MAN AND HAPPY!!” You lunged at him and he had no choice but to block your attack.

 

You could see the hurt in his eyes. How every word you said to him was like a twisting knife in his heart. You were infuriated. How could he cause so much pain, and have the gall to be hurt himself?

“YOU IMBECILE! YOU WERE USING ME BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WAS RESURRECTED, BUT I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU! I WASN’T THE BODY YOU FOUND!” You were hysterical now and nothing could stop you.

“YEA THAT’S RIGHT. That lifeless corpse you cradled in your arms wasn’t even me, it was Tlaar; she was Shifter, the last of her shape-shifting race and she died at the hand of one of your Knights. She shape-shifted into me so you wouldn’t come looking for me, her final thoughts were to protect me from you.”

 

You lock sabers and he stares into your tear stained eyes. Your cheeks were puffy from crying so hard and your breathing was shaky. He desperately wanted to take you in his arms and apologize for how things turned out, be he knew you would stop at nothing to kill him.

“I’m sorry. And I will always love you.” He confessed, and for a second you let your guard down. Your eyes softened and your lip quivered. _Dammit._

Sensing your hesitation, he deactivates his saber, and you lose your balance.

_The Tràkata unbalancing block…that bastard._ You lose your balance and stumble forward. He disarms you, twisting your one arm behind your back, and pulling the other one forward until it’s right in front of your face. “Look at your hand!” And for the first time in the fight, you see it; the blue sparks of lightining dancing at your fingertips. And just like that it’s gone. Using the force to subdue you, he forces you to your knees and pulls your head back, bringing his lightsaber to your throat. It’s close enough for you to feel the heat radiating off of it, but no where near enough to burn you, let alone decapitate you.

“What are you waiting for? Finish me off” You say between deep breaths. The fight was intense and you were beaten and exhausted.

“I ca— I won’t,” his voice cracks and you don’t even have to see his face to know that he had no intention of killing you.

 

“Coward.” you scoff “Don’t go soft on me now Ben. Send me to oblivion with all the others you’ve killed with that blade. If the roles were reversed I’d do it.”

 

“Trust me, you’ve made that clear.” He sighs, _“_ “You assumed that I sacrificed for power, and you would be right. I sacrificed all of those Jedi trainees and I would do it all over again, but not for power. For you… and Kalel.”

 “For what?”

“Not what, who.”

“Who?”

 “Kalel…our son.”

  _Our son?_ You knew he wasn’t making it up, even though it was impossible to tell by his heart rate at the moment, you knew he was telling the truth. But then how could it be that you had no memory of having a kid, unless….

“You don’t remember do you? Because you begged Master Luke to make you forget.”

 “I don’t know what you’re—“ memories started blossoming in your mind, but this time you didn't lose consciousness and it wasn’t painful. It was feathery and light. The memories were unlike the rest. While those were cluttered and confusing these played right there in your mind as clear as day. (Reason: These were expertly and meticulous blocked, while the others were done in haste.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hi hello! It's your friendly neighborhood author here! Sorry this was like a week late, but it took me forever to edit :/


	16. Memories Have Teeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I haven't done this in a while but song recs:  
> \- "Small Bump" Ed Sheeran  
> \- "Spring Day" BTS (my friend showed me this song yesterday and I feel like it suits this chapter)
> 
> *If you have not heard either of these songs before I suggest you listen to them first and then read this chapter, ya know, if you want a really intense feels rollercoaster.*

**2 years before the New Jedi Massacre: The day (Y/n) tells Ben she’s pregnant**

[(y/n) sends Ben a message through R2 asking him to meet with her immediately]

 

“What’s wrong (Y/N)? I got your note what’s—“

Ben was rightfully worried, there was a rule that only urgent messages were to be sent through R2, but you figured with news this big breaking the rules was permissible. You were pregnant; something you never thought would even be possible given your differing body chemistries.

She smiles at him; he was cute when he was worried. “Ben you worry too much come here,” she beckons him toward her, giving him a reassuring kiss.

“But you sent R2—,” he objected quietly.

“Shh…” you took his hand and placed it on your abdomen.”

His eyes grew wide and his cheeks flushed slightly, “What?! Here?! Now?! In the open??”

“What?! No! Ben get your head out of the gutter!” You whisper-yell at him, scolding him for being such a pervert. “What do you feel?”

Her eyes had that glint of mischief in them like they always did when she was up to something. “What? I don't understand? I don’t feel anything.”

“Ben you are so dense!” She says growing irritated, “Don’t feel with your hands, just feel.”

He squints at her trying to read her mind without invading her thoughts, “Have you lost your mind?”

You sigh and roll your eyes wondering why this wasn’t going the way it did in your head, “Just do it,” you nagged.

“Okay okay. I’ll ‘feel’,” he placed his hand on her abdomen again and focused.

“What do you sense?”

He closed his eyes in deep concentration, “I don’t—wait! I think….” Your heartbeat quickened and the excitement bubbled in your chest, you couldn’t hide the smile on your face, “Yeeeessss,” you urged trying to prod the realization out of him.

 “I think you’re having gas.”

Your face immediately fell, and narrowed your eyes, “Ben!” You pleaded losing patience, slapping his shoulder playfully.

“Alright!” He tries again closing his eyes and emptying his mind. Honestly, he still didn’t ‘feel’ anything, but if she was so concerned about it there had to be something he was missing. He hears her heartbeat, loud and fast with anticipating excitement, but it sounded off in a way. He paid more attention, focusing on the rhythm. Then it hit him, her heartbeat wasn’t off, there was another heartbeat inside her! A strong, tiny, fast beating one. “I sense life— I sense LIFE! (Y/n) are you—“

You nod violently, “Yes!”

“YES?!”

“YES! Ben we’re having a baby!” He picks her up and kisses her. He was overjoyed. The love of his life who brought so much light into his dark world was pregnant.

“I’m gonna be a father!” He exclaimed, then the realization set in, and the excitement he had felt moments prior quickly faded away. “I’m… gonna be a father…(Y/n) I don’t know how to do that.” He sits down on a nearby rock in shock.

You would be lying if you said his lack of enthusiasm didn’t hurt, but you understood where he was coming from. He didn’t exactly have a great role model to show him what being a father meant. You sit next to him lacing your fingers between his, “You may not know how to be a father, but I don't know how to be a mother. This’ll be a learning experience for the both of us. We’ll try our best.”

He looked into her eyes, so full of hope and optimism for their blossoming family. “You’re wrong, we won't try our best; we’ll be better.”

* * *

 

**11 months later… Kalel's birth day**

[Ben and (Y/N) are on their way to Naboo since the Jedi Temple was not equipped to handle the delivery. In addition to preparing for the birth of the baby, the couple is meant to meet Han and Leia to announce (Y/n)’s pregnancy. A/N: Because of an age old superstition, the Htraeian people do not announce pregnancies until shortly before the due date, even if a woman is clearly pregnant. It is believed the early announcement of an unborn child causes a miserable pregnancy. P.S. Htraeian pregnancies are estimated to last from 10-14 months]

Up until now, the pregnancy had been for the most part smooth sailing, except for today. Today was the day you were set to meet your in-laws in person for the first time. Traditionally, this would have happened ages ago, but your in-laws weren’t exactly the galaxy’s most accessible people. So, today was the day, well it was supposed to be. Earlier today, Han’s ship was stolen so he was stranded and in trouble in some remote part of the galaxy, and naturally his wife was on her way over there to bail him out ~~again~~. Given the situation Ben was furious, but he refused to acknowledge it.

“Ben relax.”

“I am relaxed,” he responds through gritted teeth.

“No you’re not, you’re gripping the controls so tightly I’m surprised you haven’t crushed them into fine dust.”

He sighs, there was no sense in denying it, the two of you had been together for too long. “I’m just annoyed. Why did my father think he could just do some quick business before he was supposed to meet us? I mean it would be his first time meeting you in person and we are supposed to tell them about little Ben Jr.—“

“ _If_ it’s a boy there’s no way we are naming our son _Ben Jr. ”_

“We can put that up for debate.” You roll your eyes knowing he wasn’t going to let this go any time soon. ~~There was no way you would ever name your son Ben Jr.~~

“The point is he was supposed to be here _on time_ , and now he’s out on the outer rim doing questionable freelance work for intel on his stolen ship and you’re due any day now—,”

You lace your fingers in between his and all the muscles in his body relax. You didn’t have to say anything; touch was enough to get your point across.

“Thank you,” he sighs.

“Mhmm,” you kiss him on the cheek and he blushes. He engages the autopilot system and swivels around in his chair to face your bulging belly. “Ben Jr., do you know that your mother is the most perfect being in the entire universe?”

You smile at him coyly, “Cute, but we’re still not naming our son Ben Jr.”

“Fine,” he shrugs, spinning his chair back around and deactivating autopilot mode, finally admitting defeat.

 

As you try to keep yourself busy folding and refolding the birthing linens you feel wetness trickling down your leg, your eyes open wide.  _Oh shit._

“Ben…. How far away are we?” You queried trying your absolute best not to sound panicked.

“About 12 parsecs, why?”

“Okay don’t panic, but my water just broke.”

All the blood drains from his face and he turns his chair to face you, “What.”

 

* * *

 

**1 month later 1+1=3**

[Kalel is 1 month old]

_You will come of age with our young nation_  
We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you __  
_If we lay a strong enough foundation_ __  
_We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you_ _  
_ _And you’ll blow us all away…_

 You sang as your baby giggled and stared up at you with wide eyes, as you sat cross legged on your bed tickling his tummy.

 “Are you singing the lullaby of the Republic?” You look up at your husband, standing in the doorway, watching you play with your son. “Of course, we gotta start him young.”

 “Don’t you think he’s a little young to understand the complexities of a galactical political system?”

 “Of course not, he’s our son he’s brilliant,” you respond without hesitation. “How are my younglings?”

 

“They miss their ‘Master’,” he quoted jokingly, “they want to meet Kalel too.”

“I’ll take him to meet them in a couple weeks. Thanks again for covering my classes so I can stay with Kalel.”

“Of course! It’s the least I could do for my beautiful wife and son.” “Daddy’s gonna play with you for a while okay baby?”

 

“Daddy wants to hold baby, but daddy can’t right now,” he covers Kalel’s ears with his hands and whispers, “I’m sweaty from training so I should shower first.”

 

 

You knew exactly what he was doing. Stalling. It had been a month and he had only held Kalel once on his birth day, which in all honesty could not have been a great experience.

 

 

“Ben you are always avoiding holding him, what’s going on?”

 

“He always cries when I hold him! I think he’s afraid of me.”

 

“He knows you’re afraid of him, babies can sense fear you know,”

“They can?!”

“Of course not Ben! We had a baby not a bear!”

He wrinkles his nose and raises an eyebrow, “What’s a bear?”

“Oh right, you don't have those where you’re from… uhhhh the point is, babies can’t smell fear and you’re going to bond with our son, while _I_ go have a shower.”

 

“I don’t think I’m good at this fatherhood thing. I mean my father wasn’t! I mean you’re just so much better at it than I am!”

You gave him a tight smile, and began to channel your frustration through a calm and happy voice as to not upset Kalel,  “Ben, I’ve been home with him all day, I've lost count of the dirty diapers I've changed and he’s thrown up on me twice. I need a break. Take him.” He wisely takes his son into his arms without a word. "Thank you! I'll only  be a bit."

 

[40 minutes later]

 

After taking your well deserved 40-minute shower, you walk in on Ben walking around the room coddling Kalel and singing the lullaby of the Republic. _When you smile I am undone, my son. Look at my son…._

You come up behind him and wrap your arms around his waist, “ahh I love my boys.”

“He has your nose,” he gushed playfully tapping Kalel's nose

“And your eyes," you gush back peering over your husband's shoulder.

“You're right," he chuckled to himself. "Let’s hope he gets my piloting skills as well.”

“Hey! I’m not that bad!” He jokingly covers Kalel’s ears, “(Y/n) please, no lying in front of the baby.” You roll your eyes and go back to admiring the perfect little life form you two created.

 

* * *

 

**3 months later…1 month post Kalel’s Passing**

After Kalel’s passing you and Ben hadn’t spoken in weeks, you had barely eaten. The grief was too much to bare. Both of you blamed yourselves, but the truth was it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Kalel had just passed on. You decided you couldn't live like this any longer so you went to ask Master Luke for a favor.

 “Master I don’t understand we had been so careful, he was healthy, and I…”

“I understand (Y/n) this is an unexplainable tragedy. The child’s bond with the force was strong there shouldn’t have been a reason.”

You take a deep breath and sigh, tears already starting to run down your face, “Master can you please take my memories?”

“Memories of what? Kalel?”

“Yes please. It’s been tormenting me. I know it wasn’t my fault but I still can’t help but think I could’ve done something to prevent it. I can’t sleep, or eat. I’ve been in the clinic twice this month for malnutrition. I can’t do anything without thinking about him.”

“(Y/n) moving on is not forgetting, it is being able to remember without being hurt. Time heals all wounds.”

You flinched, in your mind, you thought that even if the whole universe was against you, at least your Master would understand, or at least try to. But in reality, no one could relate to you except the one person it hurt too much to talk to. “Are you telling me to ‘hang in there’? You don’t understand what it’s like to lose a child. You don't understand what it’s like to have all these plans for how you would raise it. Plans for all the things you would do together. Ideas of what kind of person they would grow up to be. And to have all of those possibilities vanish over night….” You paused, choking back tears, “And who are you to tell me to ‘hang in there’ when you can’t even look me in the eye….”

Luke himself hadn’t even realized it, but he hadn’t looked her in the eye. Not once since she walked into his quarters and not once since that awful night. He was ashamed of himself for letting his most cherished Padawan suffer in silence.

“Ever since Kalel’s death everyone is afraid to look me in the eye. I guess nobody wants the image of ‘(Y/n) the promising Jedi Knight’ to be tainted,” you sigh letting out an emotionless chuckle, “Master…look at me.”

He raised his eyes to finally meet yours. The circles around your eyes were prominent, the hollows of your cheeks, invisible before, were now prominent. Your robes hung loosely around you and your rib cage practically peaked through your skin. You were almost unrecognizable. “Master I can’t go on knowing that feeling now, the feeling replays in my mind on a continuous loop. I will never get over the grief of losing Kalel; I know myself and I will never recover from this unless you help me.

“Have you talked to Ben about this?”

“No. We haven’t really spoken since. He blames himself so he’s been distancing himself lately. I moved back in with Tlaar because everything in the room reminds me of what I’ve lost. And if I'm really being honest, he reminds me of what we've lost and I'm sure he'd say the same about me.”

It hurt him that she had chosen to forget, but he understood. No one understood how she felt, not even him though he tried. “I will grant your request.”

 

* * *

 

**Now:**

“Kalel…” You said the name slowly, your hand unconsciously went to your abdomen.

 _How could I have forgotten my own son?_ You started to tear up. It had been so long since you thought about him, let alone said the name out loud.

“He died in his sleep when he was a few months old.”

“I never told you this but Supreme Leader Snoke has been speaking to me since I was a child. He told me to do terrible things and I was so confused and scared… that was until I met you. From the time we were together up until Kalel’s death I hadn’t heard from him. But when Kalel passed, he started speaking to me again. He told me that resurrection was the only way I could bring our son back, but it was a power only practitioners of the dark side could wield effectively. If I follow him he’ll teach me and we can have our son back, wouldn’t that be nice?” He takes your hand lacing his fingers in between your own.

 _You can’t be so foolish as to think you can resurrect the dead. Dead is dead is dead. Our son is gone._ She desperately wanted to say something but no words came out, instead you gently remove your hand from his. ~~You didn't know if it had just been the stress of the past few days or subconsciously wanting him to be right.~~

“Thank you (Y/n) you’ve reminded me of my original goal. I promise you I will find the answer to resurrection and bring back our son. I just hope in time you can forgive me,” he professed still kneeling by your side.

“Kylo Ren” General Hux walks up, addressing Ben in a demanding, but slightly panicked tone. “Supreme Leader Snoke requests your presence in person.  He says it’s time to complete your training.”

“And what of (Y/N)?”

“The girl? She is no longer needed.  Her termination is evident.”

“I will not go unless I am able to train her.”

“The Supreme Leader will not like this”

“The Supreme Leader will get over it”

The disdain and disgust the two had for each other was palpable. A craft comes to take the two of them away, at the same time an X-Wing makes a rough landing a few meters away.

 "(Y/N)!" A voice exclaims.  Poe emerged from his craft brandishing a blaster, charging directly towards your body. 

There is a standoff between Poe and Kylo Ren, you being sandwiched in the middle.

“Let’s go there isn’t any time.” Hux warns his colleague, tugging at his arm. Ben roughly shakes him off continuing the standoff. Despite the imposing doom the StarKiller was destined for, the diametrically opposed foes don’t budge. Ben grinds his teeth, clenches his jaw, and once again invades Poe’s mind.  _Take care of her._

Poe flinches from the sudden intrusion, and approaches your body cautiously without taking his eyes off of Ben.

All that fighting left you physically drained. You felt the ground shifting beneath your body as your eyelids grew heavier and heavier. You look up at the sky as the snow starts gently falling.

Poe’s hovering over you trying to get you to stay conscious, but you’re just so cold and so drained…

He’s right above you be sounds so far away. He’s a nervous wreck and babbling on and on. _“(Y/N) you are not dying here. Today is not your day. We still need you. I still need you.”_

_I’m so tired…._

“I know you’re tired Princess, but you can’t sleep now okay? You gotta stay awake.”

You can feel his body struggling under your dead weight. At this rate neither of you were going to get off the exploding StarKiller in time.

 "Please leave me…" you mumbled, trying your absolute best to fight the urge to sleep.

"I’m afraid that’s not an option Princess,” he grunts while dragging you through the snow, “You see the problem is, I love you, and I’m going to do everything in my power to save you. I promised to marry you right? I can’t do that if you’re dead.”

"I’m so sorry... Poe I'm..."but didn't get to finish your thought because you lost the battle to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes “Dear Theodosia” is the lullaby of the Republic, my objective for this chapter was to make at least one person teary eyed.


	17. The Unimaginable

It was the beeping of the heart monitor that woke you up. "Vital signs are spiking Miss" a mechanical voice squeaks. Your eyelids fluttered open expecting to see a white ceiling, but instead you are met face to face with a medical droid, that didn’t quite understand the concept of personal space. “Dr. Kalonia has stepped out for a moment, please await her return.” You nod, still a little disoriented.

“(Y/n)?” You turn towards the familiar voice, General Organa stood in the doorway.

“General Organa”.  You address her and nod. “Where’s—“

“Poe? Commander Dameron was just ordered to back to the barracks for sleep and a much needed shower a moment ago. He was here all night. He hadn’t left your side since you were brought in.”

Under different circumstances that would’ve made your heart flutter, but now it just felt like someone was twisting the knife deeper and deeper into your heart. The dread began to build in your stomach. Seemingly sensing it, General Organa pulls you into a tight hug. You hesitate at first but reciprocate; it was something you didn’t know you needed. It  was like a leaky pipe suddenly burst, tears uncontrollably began running down your cheeks and the more you tried to stop them the more you cried. Soon the free flowing tears turned into sobbing; the ugly kind when you gasp for breath while your body shudders violently. She holds you through it all, and you know it’s because she feels the same way. She lost her husband and her son, but she can’t grieve in the way you can. She has business to attend to and people to lead; she doesn’t have the luxury to cry like you do.

You cries until you felt lightheaded. “Here,” General Organa hands you a glass of water and you gulp it down in seconds, you had no idea how badly your throat burned until to cool water hit it, soothing it instantly. “How long have I been asleep?”

“Almost a full 24 hours. An acute case of hypothermia will do that to you.”

An uncomfortable silence settles between the two of you. You could sense there was something she wasn’t saying and she could sense the same of you. After a few minutes, General Organa breaks the silence. “We found Luke. We are prepping a shuttle to leave later this evening. If you are up to it, you are welcome to join Rey.”

 Your mind begins racing, _should I go now? If I go now I could avoid the impending conversation with Poe. But if I go, it’s only delaying the inevitable. Should I stay? If I stay I won’t get the answers I need from Master Luke, and I’ll have to break Poe’s heart._

General Organa interrupts your racing thoughts, “If you’re worried about your role here, don’t be. Both sides suffered considerable casualties, it’ll be a while before either side is ready for a fight. We can make do without you for a while.”

You smile at the thought of actually going back to your job. Even though it hadn’t been that long since you’d last been on base, it felt good to think that there were people eagerly awaiting your return. “Thanks General, but it’s not that…. I just have a few loose ends to deal with before I can make a definite decision.”

“That’s alright! Just let me know as soon as you can.” She flashes you a reassuring motherly smile and turns to leave, but hesitates. With a sigh, she turns back to you and takes a seat. “(Y/n)…. I haven’t been entirely honest with you, and I’m sure you’ve realized that by now, but I wanted you to hear it from me.” She lets out a deep breath, preparing herself to let go of the secret she’s been hiding for over 6 years. “That day you woke up here, in the infirmary…I lied to you. You were not rescued from Sector 5, you arrived here on Luke’s ship from the Jedi Temple.” You smile knowingly, “I figured something like that happened.”

“Right, but there’s something more…. I knew you well before that. We never met in person, but Ben sent me pictures and we did share a few video calls. We almost met once when you were…pregnant, Ben flew you to Naboo to meet me and Han for the first time, but Han ran into some trouble on the way and I had to bail him out…again. I didn’t tell you about any of this before because Luke asked me not to. He wanted me to hide you away which is why you were somewhat bound here and why you never got to go on the diplomatic missions you were more than qualified for. We... I couldn't risk him finding out you were alive.”

The second half of her confession shocked you. You had little to no memory of video chatting with her all those years ago, although it seemed to be a memory she remembered rather vividly though. You open your mouth to say something, but she cuts you off. “We’ll talk about this more another time, but right now you have a visitor.” At that moment, there was a knock at the door, followed by the emergence of an all too familiar face.

“Mornin’ princess,” Poe says with his trademark charming smirk.

“Hey there Flyboy,” the sight of him made your heart skip a beat. His hair was still wet and tosseled from his quick shower, and his face freshly shaven. Every fiber of your being wanted to embrace him, but you knew it would only make it harder to break the news.

General Organa shifted her gaze between the two of you, “I’ll be going.” Part of you wanted to reach for her hand and beg her to stay just so you wouldn’t have to have this conversation with Poe, but she was out of reach before you even had the chance.

Poe wasted no time in closing the gap between you two, you wrapped your arms around him. He took you in his arms and you knew instantly you were home. He felt like home. he smelled like home, he was home, "I'm so glad you're okay," you whisper into the crook of his neck.

"So much for a quick in and out mission huh? Now look where it’s got us” He could sense something was off without you having to say anything.

“I’m sorry I really screwed up. I should’ve done a better job in protecting you, it was your first mission and I wasn’t being as careful as I should’ve been because I thought it was going to be quick and easy. I failed you.” You shake your head, rejecting his apology, and let go. “No, you’re wrong. _I_ failed you.” Without hesitation he pulls the chair closer to your side and interlocks his fingers with yours, “What happened?”

You sigh and bite your bottom lip, “I remember everything…. When I was 21 I had a son his name was Kalel. He died in his sleep when he was a couple months old.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“The father was Ben Solo; you know him as Kylo Ren.”

He stands up; speechless, setting the bouquet of flowers on the ground. He was surprised, but it did explain the extreme reaction Kylo Ren had given when he saw her in his memories. Even so, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of betrayal, even though their relationship was long before he had even met her.

 “When you were captured I got captured soon after you. I helped you escape and saw you crash. I thought you were dead.” You could sense his pain; it made you debate telling him everything, but you needed to come clean. You loved him too much to lie to him, so you told him. Everything. All the memories that had come back to you, and everything that happened on the Starkiller, everything. You knew it would hurt him but you couldn’t hide it from him and if he decided he couldn’t deal with the betrayal he had every right to leave you.

“I completely understand if you don’t forgive me for sleeping with him. I regret everything that happened but it’s no excuse. I was weak, when I thought I’d lost you I broke inside, I felt completely numb at first, but then on Starkiller base I just wanted to feel something. I was so vulnerable and he saw it, and all it took was to speak sweetly of a past love I didn’t remember and I was so easily manipulated. I thought I’d trained for this. I thought I was prepared to be in any situation imaginable. But when the time came I was as weak as that girl that just barely survived Htrae’s worst plague.” He was silent. You just wanted the ground to open up and swallow you whole. You had betrayed the galaxy’s most loving, loyal being and he said nothing. You wanted him to yell, be infuriated with you, any thing but the silence.

“Look at where we are. Look at where we started, I know I don't deserve you Poe, but hear me out, that would be enough. I know there’s no replacing what we’ve lost and you need time.”

“(Y/N)—“

“Poe I’m… I’m not the girl you fell in love with.”

 “Don’t say that.”

 “No Poe it’s true. I have a lot of dirty laundry that hasn’t been aired out with in years and I think I need some time to piece my two lives together. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay with me because I’m vulnerable. I’m not made out of glass Poe I’ve been through a lot. I can take it. I just think I need some time.”

“I think we both just need some time.” You knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. “Thank you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

You slip the ring off your finger and give it to him.

“I’m going to train Rey and when I get back we’ll start over.” The hurt in his eyes is almost too much for you to bear. He stands up to leave, placing a delicate kiss on your forehead. A tear falls onto your cheek, and in that moment it felt like a snake a was wrapping around your heart, suffocating it, while simultaneously digging its venomous fangs deeper into the muscle. There was a kind of indescribable pain that came with hurting the person you loved.

 

“(Y/N)? Am I interrupting something?” Dr. Kalonia peaked her head in through the door.

Poe coughs and clears his throat, wiping the tears out of his eyes. “No it’s fine, I was just leaving.”

You wiped the tears from your eyes as Dr. Kalonia locked the door behind Poe. “(Y/N) I wanted to talk to you about something before you made a decision about leaving," her tone of voice sounded urgent, so you boxed of the hurt of breaking up with Poe, stuffed it deep inside of you, and devoted your attention to Dr. Kalonia. 

“Rey told me that you were sick. I feel the need to disclose the fact that we have been keeping an eye on you since you came to the base, and following you closely since you collapsed at the Ball. You had a synthetic organic tumor on your hippocampus. This explains your memory loss. It also explains the great deal of pain caused when you triggered ‘locked’ memories. On the latest screening the tumor is gone. It’s as if it was never there to begin with. No scarring at all.”

“That’s a relief _._ ” _The tumor must’ve been the somatic embodiment of the memory block…_  

The expression on her face changed from concern to worry. “What I’m about to tell you is against protocol, but the stakes are too high if I abide by the rules…. When we did the full body scans of your injuries, we also ran blood tests…. We may not have the best technology the galaxy has to offer, but your blood tests came back hGC positive… you’re pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey Hi Hello! It's your friendly neighborhood author here, back at it again with the super late uploads lol. (Sorry my life got busy out of nowhere, but I promise for the next part I'll have more regular uploads starting around the middle of May!) If you're reading this I would like to thank you for hanging in there and patiently waiting for the chapters! It makes me so happy that there are people out there that even care if I upload or not!!!!!


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